Monday, April 21, 2014

UPDATED: Say Who? Karaoke

Hey, Jimmy Fallon! I have a brillzville idea just for you. I think you are possibly one of the only people who could pull this off.

Tonight I was jammin' before dance class to Iggy Azalea's new track, Black Widow, featuring Rita Ora and Katy Perry. Super. Got on Twitter to disseminate my emotions regarding the track.



Then off to the gym I go.

After an hour hip hop class to Janet Jackson's "Feedback," I return home and (hip)hop on the computer for a hot minute before showering. That's when I notice someone favorited my tweet about Black Widow. Okay. Who?

RITA WILSON.

Because, as you can see, I mentioned @RitaWilson, and not @RitaOra, like I had intended. HILARITY ENSUES because, please, visualize Rita Wilson on a track with IGGY IZALEA. Those are some late night antics I'd stay up for, and then post all the times on Facebook. All of the times. Throw Tom Hanks in there for the bridge and you've got a social media frenzy on your hands!

I have no idea if Rita (Mrs. Hanks) has a program that automatically favorites any mentions she gets on Twitter — but I hope to God not, because that just means she has a bloody fantastic personality. Even moreso than I already thought she did. 

So that had me thinking... and just see me through this idea before you knock it... but there's got to be a viral element to this. First, you figure out a popular song of the moment. Let's go with Dark Horse by Katy Perry featuring Juicy J. Then, you get on Twitter and search for those two artists. See below.*

Who the eff is Katheryn Bernardo? 
I follow the entire Jung family. What of it? 

Side note: very telling about the type of people looking up Biebs online. "Bisixesual"? Is this a new polygamist term? No, the kids are spending too much time on their phones and not enough time learning how to spell/type properly.

Back to the game at hand: the first Twitter handles that populate during your search for Katy and Juicy are the two people who end up singing Dark Horse. In this case, it's Kathy Griffin and Julia Roberts. HELLO? DO YOU SEE THE TELEVISION RATINGS SPIKING? BECAUSE I DO! Karaoke Roulette. With famous people. And Jimmy Fallon. Done. (Special appearances by Justin Timberlake every 7-8 weeks because that's how he rolls.) And Jims, if you don't like it, I'll happily take it to Ellen. x

*I get that this could get weird, especially since one more letter on "Juicy" would have populated "Pressed Juicery," but I'm not here to enforce rules.

UPDATE (9:55 AM PST): Rita has spoken. NBC, Bethany Doherty has my number.



Monday, March 31, 2014

Times I've Had Irrational Thoughts About Justin Timberlake

As my friend Melody put it, "How are you going to account for 24/7, 365, for the past 15 years?" TOUCHE, Mel, touché. It will be hard, but sometimes you have to put yourself in difficult situations for the one you love. My photographic memory should serve me well on this endeavor.


This post is inspired by the fact that last weekend I made some questionable comments about Justin and my affections for him. I'm not going into details, but all I will say is #undergroundrailroad

TIMES I/WE/YOU HAD IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
A Memoir by Kirbie Johnson
(and probably 27.5 million other women) 
(hence the interchangeable I/We/You)


1. When he creepily broke into Britney Spears' house, made a sex tape, and then watched her shower from the closet like an effin' psychopath, BUT STILL LOOKED ADORABLE.

HO!
I would die to bite those lips...
He needs to be on a 5150 hold, and I don't even care. LOVE ME.


2. When we all thought Mirrors was about Jessica Biel, and we died inside (because S'CUTE!), but then realized he wrote it for his grandparents, and then we were all like YAAAAASSSSS, there is still hope! Hope for our future, Justin Randall!  

BYE FELICIA! 

3. When he grew out his hair from the ramen phase and he had his giant curls and we permed our hair because it made us feel closer to him. (Or maybe that was just me?)

"Wassup baby gurrrrlll" - Justin

4. When my mom told me she was going to name me Justin if I were a boy, and I knew we were destined to be together.

Don't mock me, JT.

5. When he played a model in Model Behavior and kissed the fake model chick and we all thought THAT SHOULD BE ME. ME!!!!!! (I was 12. He was 18. Not weird at all...)



6. When he told Barbara Walters he likes a girl with "junk in the trunk" and we all immediately thought we had the upper hand on the girls who didn't have big booties. (Skip to 8:08 for that quip.) 


(Actually, watch the whole damn thing and die of shock with what Babs was able to get away with in this interview! Then come back from the dead and cry because you'd be mortified if this was your ex-boyfriend. And then laugh because, YEAH RIGHT, you love Justin, regardless of if he basically announced your non-virgin status on national television. And then maybe check yourself into a mental hospital.)


7. That time he ripped of Miss Jackson's (if you're nasty) boob cover and exposed her nip to the free world, and got (presumably) banned from ever performing at the Super Bowl again for subjecting families and small children to nudity, and we thought the FCC needed to get a grip and calm down. (And also, the Super Bowl was in Houston — why wasn't I there for this?) 



8. When you went to New York City and insisted on eating at Southern Hospitality because you needed to support your future husband's entrepreneurial endeavors, and also, you thought he might swing by and have dinner with you and your mom. 



9. When he was caught having a mental breakdown on Punk'd, and you felt assured knowing your future children would be sensitive, just like Justin. 

bae bae


10. When he made a movie that was practically a remake of No Strings Attached (with the addition of a flash mob), which was released six months (or something) afterwards, and you were disgusted that people ever thought to compare the two. (PS Friends With Benefits is actually my favorite JT movie, ever. Stick to sex, bae.) 



11. When you pictured how lovely it would be when you both take your kids to Disney World and one of them would get to wear daddy's letterman jacket from MMC! "It's okay JayTee, you'll get your turn after Justen and Juztin get to wear it."   

More like "leader of my heart"

12. When he sang "I Love Sports" while hosting the 2008 ESPYs, and you thought he could possibly flourish as a professional athlete.



13. When you briefly considered naming y'alls first born daughter Jo-Jessica or K-Smoove because you liked the way he said it.

You gotta recognize yo' sedimentary rock formations! 

14. When you considered only Apple Jacks and Baked Ziti as food groups because Justin loves both.



15. That time he appeared on Loveline and looked traumatized, and you knew it was for the best. (For y'alls future in the bedroom.)

I WAS JUST A CHILD!

16. When *NSYNC appeared on Celebrity Dream Date and you envisioned your children all looking like baby Justin.

REJOICE FOR CUTE CHILDREN!

17. When you actually found him attractive in doll form. (Skip to 1:05)


Side note: the resemblance in dialect JT has to Justin Bieber as an 18/19-year-old is slightly concerning. (PS - Here's Britney's "(You Drive Me) Crazy" Making the Video, just for shits and giggles.) 


18. When you briefly considered walking down the aisle to "Love's Got a Hold On You", based on this stunning performance.



19. Or "I'll Take You There." (The bandana phase wasn't reserved just for the early millennium, obviously.)



20. OR "I Feel For You."

I think I loooooove you

21. When he danced, you felt as if you were watching an icon electric slide right before your very eyes. -- THIS ISN'T IRRATIONAL, OBVIOUSLY, because the man IS an icon. Bandana and all.



22. When you decided, officially, you'd change into a plunging, gold sequined bodysuit at your reception since Beyoncé looked so good in hers while standing next to him. (Watch their duet and cry from all of the talent.)



23. When you absolutely could not with any of these.

nope.

Can you not? Thanks.

*cries*
Oh sweet mother
Tell me more...
WHAT IS LIFE
Please stop taunting me. YOU'RE MARRIED.
-_-
I hate everyone.


24. When you realized you could beat him in a rap battle by performing "Forgot About Dre." And then became immediately concerned that would be the only thing you could bring to the table in terms of talent for your future children. 



25. When you thought about how he could possibly end up destitute on the streets, but it wouldn't matter, because how adorable would he be dressed up in costume while twirling one of those liquidation signs?



26. When you went to the gym and fantasized that he sang this song about you after you broke his heart. 



27. When you thought he'd be proud that you recognized this track from the Mary Kay commercial was actually a rip of some "I Think That She Knows" remix.



28. When you decided oversized turtlenecks were all you wanted to wear for a year solid. (Timberland boots optional.)



29. When he played the intro to What Goes Around on the piano and you knew, without a doubt, your souls were becoming one.



30. When you made your own retrospective of his hair over the years and realized he hasn't ever grown it out long, a la Robin Gibb, and thought he should strongly consider it. (Brazilian Blowouts are life-changers, Jus'.)

I want to taaaaaaaalk to you

And unrelated, but a reminder of yesteryear:



Creative Commons License

Thursday, March 13, 2014

When in doubt, Uber

In case you don't know, some twat decided to drive drunk, then tried to evade police by driving the wrong way on a one way street, barreled through a barricade, killed two people and injured 23 others. He is 21-years-old

There's a lot of disturbing events happening in the world right now — the missing Malaysia Airlines jetliner for one — but this one could have been prevented, which makes it all the more infuriating. 

Here's a quick thought: STOP DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I don't care of it's drugs, alcohol, sleeping pills — get a driver. Take a taxi. Uber is becoming more and more popular around the country. If you know you're going out and will be drinking, it's not a matter of if you should seek transportation, but a matter of who you can find to take you and pick you up. 

Being from Georgetown, a suburb of Austin, this type of incident has weighed heavily on my mind for the past day. Two lives are lost. Many lives are drastically changed because someone decided he wanted to drive home drunk. Oh yeah, AND RUN AWAY FROM THE COPS. This isn't Terminator, people. Life isn't a game of Grand Theft Auto. If you evade the police, you will get found. You will not flee them. Who in their right mind tries to outrun a police officer? That's the point — nobody in their right mind.

This man ruined his life, ended the lives of two people, and shattered the hearts of many family members and friends. I can't help but to think of the driver's own mother and father. My parents would be devastated that their child did this so recklessly to other people, but also to their self. His life is over. Both of those victims could have easily been my coworkers, had they been at SXSW last night, or my cousin, who goes to UT. I cannot imagine the pain of losing those people in my life. 

He might be good guy, you know? But this incident will forever mark him as a murderer, a deviant — he ended people's lives. And some could argue intentionally, given he made the choice to plow through a barricade and run from the cops. 

The fact is that, now, he has to live with the guilt. And these families have to live with this tragedy forever.

Next time you decide to set foot in your car after even just two glasses, consider people other than yourself that you could affect: the families.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Bragging Rights

What do you remember about your childhood? One thing I always think about when it comes to my formative years (in addition to my child my brother growing up) was running around with my cousins during holidays, trips to the ball park, and family vacations. My mom comes from a family of six siblings, and I always looked forward to big gatherings where I could visit with my cousins, aunts and uncles.

Because I wanted a lesson in terror (just kidding! partially...) I moved to LA, which separated me from my family, literally, but also in the sense that I'm the only family member out West. Which can suck at times. One year, my parents and brother drove to Houston to spend Thanksgiving with all our extended family, and I was in Los Angeles, and I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. 

Anyone that's moved somewhere new, away from their loved ones, has their reasons. I knew that I would always regret not moving here, and I am fulfilled living here because I love what I do and the opportunities the city of Los Angeles has. That being said, it sucks that I can't drive a few blocks to get family dinner or even a few hours to see my family during the holidays.

So THANK GOD FOR TECHNOLOGY because I keep up with everyone via text, email, Skype, Facebook, Instagram... you name it. Today, my aunt posted a video of her news piece in Houston about her jewelry line, which made me grin ear to ear — not because she's doing something she loves, but because I got to see her face! That lead me to another video of my cousin, Kacy, giving a interview to the local news in Austin about his role on the Longhorns baseball team. 

I'm so proud of my family, whether they have these videos or not, and miss them every day. (PS COME VISIT SOON.) Let me brag a little:

Here's my brother, Nick, kicking ass and taking names at SOSU! He has been starting lately. YEAH BUDDY. (LITTLE BABIS WUB!!!)


Aunt Deb's jewelry segment on KPRC 2 in Houston
I couldn't embed these into blogger because they don't like you embed links outside of youtube -_-

Kacy's segment on Fox 7 in Austin