Jan 29, 2010

Sarah Haskins: Target Women

Today on Twitter, I was asking the community what Brook Shields DOESN'T endorse.  Seriously, she's everywhere.  My friend Julie sent me this link and I think this pretty much sums everything up.  Check it out!  (Thanks, Julie!)



Jan 28, 2010

You have to keep voting!

See that little voter box-y thingy on the right side of this blog?  It's there for a reason.  VOTE your little hearts out!  I need you guys to consistently vote for me so I can amp up my score and be a potential contender for this contest.

It ends February 3rd, aka FIVE DAYS from now.

Ready, set, GO!

Valentine's Day Gift Guide -- Dallas & Los Angeles



Valentine's Day is overrated.  There, I said it.  I even have a Valentine!  I totally appreciate that there's one day where we can all profess our love to one another and not be afraid to show it, but it usually gets turned into a competition of sorts which is bogus.

However,  I think there are things that can be done on Valentine's Day that can spice up a relationship and make it more fun (no, not that you pervs).  Since most of my readers are in Dallas or Cali -- Sorry Marf! -- I have compiled a list of things to do for your man or woman if you're lacking in the creative department.  Take these ideas and apply them to your own city!


*Disclaimer* Baby Mollis, I know these aren't tailored for Kansas City but I'm sure you can find a place to wine taste and lay on top of a DeLorean this Valentine's Day. hahahaha.  Sorry, I had to.  Love you!!!

For the ladies

Master the Art of Massage
Since I used to work at a spa, I know that the number one day for the business is Valentine's.  We would recruit all therapists that were employed at the spa on duty that day and converted extra rooms into tranquil relaxation spots.  Couples Massages ran out quickly and had to be reserved in advanced and any cancellations were met with a charge (if recommend that if you want to do a couples massage at a spa that you booked like a week ago because most will sell out by February 1st).  
BUT, you can nix going to a spa and learn the art yourself.  It always comes in handy.  This year on February 9th, you Dallas-ites can take your special someone to a class to learn the art of a perfect massage.  Jenny Walker, a masseuse at the V Spa at the Hilton Anatole, will be teaching the class that will include techniques like pressure point, hot stone, and will go in depth on how to massage the back, hands, feet and neck.

Educational Massage Seminar
with Jenny Walker at V Spa
Tuesday, February 9th, 6:30 - 8:00 pm
$50 per couple, limited to 12 couples
Make reservations at www.vspadallas.com or 214-761-7800
Complimentary bottle of wine included along with 25% off product

*If you just started dating someone and you're not comfortable with this class, a full body hour massage will always do the trick for a girl.  Great for relaxing and stress relief and the only work you have to do is go and buy the thing!  Just for tricks of the trade, I'd recommend finding a massage therapist at a spa instead of a chain store.  

Helicopter Tour 
Want to do something unconventional for your woman?  Find a helicopter tour in your area!  It's different and will be fun for you and her.  Just make sure she's not afraid of flying or heights... yikes.  These tours charge by time - you can take flight in increments of 30, 45, 60 or 75 minutes, but it will cost you (ranges include $100 - $350).  Bring a bottle of bubbly to commemorate the occasion. It's like Top Gun, except not.  Bomber jackets not included.  

Dance Lessons
Guys, this might be a stretch, but enlisting yourself and your woman in dance lessons will definitely bring the sexy back (or keep it going) in the relationship.  You can choose from flamenco, salsa, swing, ballroom or even hip hop if you want some hilarity.  Pick either a one time class or a series of classes that can last from six to eight weeks, once a week.  

California

Dallas

For the gentlemen

Pantygrams
Alright ladies.  Ready to make your man's head spin?  Send him a Pantygram.  I wasn't keen on this idea when I heard it at 7:00 in the morning after a long night at work, but apparently Ryan Seacrest was into it so I decided it was worthy of a mention.
Basically you get online and input all of the information into your Pantygram, like who it's to and all that jazz.  Then, you write a personal message for him and Pantygram will send your man a black envelope with gold writing with a red pair of panties inside - they apparently are shaped like a heart.  From there he can read a part of his message and to get the rest he has to log-in online with a special code.  
I guess the whole thing is that you send these panties to your beau's work or something so then he's a super bigshot when he's holding a pair of panties at his desk.  I personally think this is mortifying but maybe guys actually enjoy this thing.  

Luxury Car Rentals
You might not be able to afford to buy your man a new car, but perhaps you can invest in a day or week-long rental!  Choose from exotic cars like a Bentley, Aston Martin or Ferrari OR pick a sports car like a Porshe.  


Valentine's Day Cruise
The awesome thing about Cali is being by the ocean, which allows us Los Angelenos to experience cruises and not have to bother with asking for vacation time!  Score!  Click here to see a list of ports and cruises available for Valentine's brunch, V-Day dinner and pricing.

Single?
Don't let Valentine's Day get you down!  This is a serious excuse to go buy a cute outfit, get your hair and nails done, drink some wine, eat good food and spend time with the girls (or boys).  My suggestions:

"Fall in Love with Yourself" at the V Spa at the Hilton Anatole (Dallas)
Thursday, February 18th from 6:00 - 8:00 pm (yes, after Vday!)
Presented by Good News Girlz and Still Haute!
Indulge with your friends in mini spa services, cosmetic makeovers, informal modeling and classic vintage couture shopping event by Still Haute!, door prizes, light appetizers and wine.
RSVP required: rsvp@goodnewsgirlz.com or on their site www.goodnewsgirlz.com

Grab a gaggle of your friends and go!  

Wine Tastings
Wine tastings can be a great way to bond with your friends and make you forget (literally) that you're single or missing a certain someone.  Plus, who DOESN'T like wine?!  Sampling a few (dozen) vinos guarantees you'll bring a good bottle back home.

California
The Santa Monica Mountains are Cali's best kept secret.  They offer a variety of vineyards and wineries where you and your friends can go and get your drink on!  I recommend Pourtal Wine Tasting Bar in Santa Monica.  

Dallas
Dallas has a winery too!  Check out Times Ten Cellars in Dallas.  Here's a list of their events and tasting times.

Pole Dancing Classes
I never made it to this pole dancing class I was supposed to take with a group of my intern friends a few summers ago, however I wish I had.  It's supposed to be fun, empowering and a great work out!  Give yourself the gift of sexy this Vday!


These were all off the top of my head but I recommend getting on Citysearch and looking for things to do this Valentine's in your city!  And boys, remember PLAN EARLY.  Waiting 'til the week of ensures one thing: you're screwed.  Love ya!

Aveda Institute - Spa services for CHEAP!
If you're lucky enough to have an Aveda institute in your area, I'd recommend going!  You get  complimentary drinks, scalp massage, cut, shampoo, style and mini facial for $19!!!  They offer a variety of services including color, highlights, mani/pedis and more for extremely discounted prices.  Note:  The Aveda Institute is a beauty school, meaning the employees there are actually students.  Most of the time you will get great services, but I'd recommend calling ahead and asking for someone with more hours or who is about to graduate if you want to get a cut or a highlight.  Also, they are students and it is a teaching experience, so they say for color you can expect to be there at least three hours and for cuts at least 1.5 to two.  
Click here for the list of institutes in the United States.

Doppelganger week

Everyone on Facebook is posting photos of celebrities they've been told they look like.  I really don't get told stuff like that a lot.  So, what do you think?  What celebrity do I look like?  And if you say Kirby the Pink Marshmallow puff you better sleep with one eye open.

"Hand in my Pocket"

If you're 23 or feel like you've entered a quarter-life crisis, listen to Alanis Morrisette's song "Hand in my Pocket."  I have loved this song since I was in fourth grade, however didn't get the meaning of this until I "grew up."  Things have been a little odd in my life so I guess I should share.

I have been strongly debating this week about moving back to Texas.  One day I was positive that I was going to.  But then opportunities present themselves here and I get excited again.  I've been a little torn as to what I'm doing with my life but I know I need to be patient and things will pan out.  I've also been feeling a little unproductive because I haven't been learning much and I'm eager to do something!!! I don't know what.  I'm considering dance class and looking into on-camera classes, maybe an internship.  My whole goal is to learn all aspects of a TV show or broadcast so I'm not just someone in front of the camera, I'm also knowledgeable about everything else. 

So that's where I've been personally.  However I've been working this week which is good for my psyche but also a little scary because it's been a lot of learning new equipment and programs that I'm not familiar with.  However it's good to feel like I'm necessary out here.

Enough of the personal stuff.  Here's the juicy info I know you want to hear!  And forgive me if this post is incoherent, I think I have a stomach bug so I'm a little out of it.

Celeb Sightings:


- Tuesday, after I quit the Master Cleanse, I went to Starbucks to work on some packages for agents before I ran some errands.  While I was there, I noticed a tall, built man sitting at a table with two other people and it turns out it was Liam Hemsworth (aka Miley Cyrus' boyfriend).  He's very handsome, and he drives and Audi (yes, I did watch him walk to his car... which was parked behind mine).  haha


- I made a new friend at the gym.  Well, not exactly.  But I seriously see Russell Brand there all. of. the. time.  It's insane.  It just so happens that my last gym date happened to be a day that Russell was there and he held the door open for me as I was entering and he was exiting.  And they say chivalry is dead!

The Grammys are this Sunday, so perhaps I'll have some more opportunities to report!

In other news...

HELP ME!

I have been neglecting KGTH because I've been working hard on getting a webhost, a domain and all that jazz for my personal portfolio site.  It's not rocket science but I'm unfamiliar with this type of thing, so it's been difficult.  If you want to check out the site, the link is here.

Notice that the URL doesn't show up as kirbiejohnson.com but as http://kirbiejohnson.com/Kirbie_Johnson____Texas_Twang,_Cali_Chic/Welcome.html.  What gives?  If anyone can help me without making a huge mess that would be AWESOME.  All I want is for the home page (or main page) to read as kirbiejohnson.com and not all that other crap.  

Thanks in advance!!!





Neglect

I've been neglecting this blog as of late, but I have a few posts I'm about to whip up that I'm sure you'll enjoy.  Be calm, and stay tuned. Love ya.

Jan 26, 2010

Not gonna happen

Alright,

I made it through one day.  And basically even if I had the will power in the world, I wouldn't be able to do this.

Yesterday I was really unproductive and grumpy and it really took a toll on my emotions.  As much as I'd love to feel "cleansed" and "rejuvenated," I feel that way after a great work out.

I'm the type that gets shaky without sustainable food in my system, and I've been feeling miserable since I started this.

I applaud anyone and everyone who can get through it but one thing I've learned?  Food is not something I'm willing to sacrifice.  As much support as I had, I also got the "you're crazy!" and "Go eat a cheeseburger!"  I might not go eat a cheeseburger but I plan on getting a sandwich.

Love yall,
Kirbie

Jan 24, 2010

I'm going to not eat for 10 days.

Well people tomorrow is the big day.  I'm starting the Master Cleanse with Ali.  Yikes.

For all of you who don't know what cleanse I'm talking about, it's the one Beyonce did to prepare for her role in "Dreamgirls."  A lot of people do this so they can clean out their system of toxins like alcohol.  I am eager to reform my body so that after the  cleanse is over I can focus on eating more healthy.

I guess I should give some insight as to why I'm actually doing this.  Ali's boyfriend, Justin, did it for 10 days and after three we noticed that his skin was glowing.  He was doing it to release all the toxins out of his body.

I read that you should do something that scares you or you think you can't do at least once a month.  So this is mine.  Trust me, I'm my harshest critic and I don't think I'll be able to do this, but dangit I'm going to try!

So I start tonight with some tea we're supposed to drink and then officially get started tomorrow.  I want to go for ten days, however I don't want to loose too much weight (I want to look healthy and I can't afford a new wardrobe).  I plan on pasting "before photos" and an "after" video so you guys can see my progress.  I am telling everyone because I need to be kept accountable or else I don't know how I'm going to get through it.  Wish me luck and send me support!

Jan 20, 2010

Rain rain rain.... rain rain rain

Hello everyone!   I guess I've been lacking on updates here.  I've been not too busy, but when I am I'm a little nuts.  You know me, I love for all of my time to be consumed so when it's not I get really antsy.

I've been back around two weeks and it's been nice.  I've been working for Dennis on stuff for the Grammy Museum which has been an awesome experience.  It's always fun going to LA Live and even better spending time with a mentor.  He took me to NAMM in Ahaheim with Eric Stock, the Production Manager of the museum.  It was awesome!  Tons of great products, software and instruments for the music world... and a variety of wannabe rockers and industry professionals.  We were only there about an hour and there was so much to take in that by the end of it we were pooped.



Here's me at an exhibit called Daisy Guitars.  They make guitars specifically for women.  I am a closet electric guitar lover (I promise you that every song I consider a favorite probably has the electric guitar in it) and plan to learn how to play at some point, so a sparkly pink guitar would definitely get me going.

After being back I've been going on a lot of auditions!  I had one for LG, TV Guide and a student film last week.  I scored the LG promo (yes!) and I haven't heard back from the student film, but regardless all of the auditions were great for experience.

Working with LG was interesting because we were shooting for their security solutions brand of products and most of the crew didn't speak English.  Luckily there were translators but it made for interesting shots.  Everyone was really nice and insightful so I can't complain about anything.  I played the principal of the production which was amazing and intimidating all at the same time.  Apparently I didn't look as old as they hoped so they transformed me with make-up.  I wasn't about to get all diva on my first shoot but I guess the best way to put it is that the good make-up artists probably come around when you've hit the big time.  :)  Our first scene was in a park and while they said I'd be on set for 12 hours I was only there for three.  Then on Monday the shoot started at 11:00 pm at a super market and I didn't leave until 7:00 am!  I was in the first and last shot of the night so I was pretty exhausted.

On Monday before work I had an interview with a marketing agency who is starting a new venture targeting men.  It's for a stylist position where I would basically get paid to take guys out to shop.  Score!  Since it's in the start-up mode it would be part-time which would work out perfectly with auditions.  Not to mention they said there was room for growth and opportunity and the guys I met were really cool.  Hopefully that works out.

I changed the look of my blog!  What do you think?  Feedback would be appreciated...!

There's a huge event going on on Friday and I could have the opportunity to be a part of it, although right now it's not looking too good.  I am praying that if it's in God's will to have me work this event that something will happen!

That's about all.  It's practically a monsoon here so I've been fighting with my inner demons about going to the gym.  Off I go!

Jan 19, 2010

My prayers go out...

Another tragedy.

You can read the article here.

I didn't know this student personally, however my heart aches to think about how her family, friends and the entire TCU community/campus is going to be affected by this.

It truly is a tragedy that this had to happen; I am hoping this was not a homicide (reports indicate they believe there was no foul play).  If it is, however, I feel I speak for everyone who lived in this vicinity at one point or another when I say there needs to be more security and safety precautions taken.   Almost all residents of these neighborhoods surrounding TCU's main campus are students.  I don't believe TCU owns that area of land, but if they do then why aren't more street lights put up?  Or more street patrols happening on a nightly basis?

However if these areas aren't under TCU's jurisdiction, it's time for the great city of Fort Worth, a place I love so dearly, to realize that these neighborhoods have been and will continue to be occupied by students -- these homes might as well be considered on campus, considering they're about as far of a walk to campus as it is walking from The Greek.  This includes the areas on the other side of Berry Street as well.  It shouldn't take a death to point out something many people have been complaining about for years (regardless of it it was a homicide or not).

I'm sure all alum and parents footing the bill for their child's tuition will agree when I suggest that more money goes not only into the safety on campus but also the safety of these surrounding neighborhoods.  Too many students live in these areas for simple adjustments to not have been implemented.

Please pray for the family at this time as well as the entire TCU community.  We are a tightly-knit campus and I'm sure this has affected everyone in so many different ways.  I pray for peace and justice.

Jan 14, 2010

Flu's for the birds

This is an amazing, tragic and really astounding segment about a woman who got the flu shot and now suffers a neurological disorder as a side effect.  It's almost hard to believe.





My heart aches for this woman who seemed to have so much going for her. Now she is left with frustration.

Jan 13, 2010

Haiti

I know this blog has comic overtones, but in light of recent world events I felt obligated to say something about the disaster that struck Haiti yesterday.

It's estimated 100,000 people are dead.  This country has virtually nothing as around 80% of it's population lives in poverty.

CNN has exclusive coverage and a whole list of different charities and organizations you can donate to in an effort to help the people in need.  Click here to see them all.  

Twitter is making donations even more convenient by tweeting numbers you can actually text to donate to! Even if it's $5.00 it helps.  Eliminate your daily coffee and send it to someone who could really use it, as well as your prayers.

Jan 12, 2010

Vajazzle me baby!



Okay ladies (guys, this post isn't directed towards you, however it might be interesting).  Let me take a second to catch you all up on the latest trend for your lady parts.  I was watching the George Lopez Show (not on purpose - it was on after The Office) and Jennifer Love Hewitt was on it.  Her dating choices are questionable, but I really do love J-Love.  She's rather presh.  Anyway, she started discussing her book, I think it's called "The Day I Killed Cupid," and apparently there is a chapter where she admits how she got over a break-up with a little thing called vajazzling.

Now I have never heard of this... and it sounds awkward and weird and there are essentially no links on the internets about it, but it's where you "bedazzle your vagina."  Hers apparently was bedazzled with Swarovski crystals.  This new beauty experiment made her resilient and happy after her break up.

After extensive research, which I would not try at home (Googling "bedazzling your vagina"/"crystalize your va-jay-jay" brings up some interesting images), I found this site which describes the Bedazzled Bikini Wax at Completely Bare Salon in NYC.   For a Valentine's Day special you can get yourself groomed (groomed = hair ripped out.  all of it.), sprayed with 24K gold and bedazzled.  If that act doesn't say I love you, I don't know what does.

It was too odd not to write about.  Would you vajazzle yourself?

*******
UPDATE:  I looked up "brazilian wax with crystals" and apparently Completely Bare has been doing this since 2001 and is considered the first spa to start doing this procedure.  They offer a service called "Completely Bare with Flair" where you pick your choice of a butterfly, heart, lips, stars, or a personalized design for your special area after getting a brazilian wax.

Fabulous

Today was a great day!  I got word that I booked the LG spot!  I start shooting on Friday.  I don't think it's a commercial, more for promotional purposes, but still it's great for my resume!  I also had an audition this morning so hopefully that works out too.

I drove to Studio City to meet with an ASU Theta, Jenna.  She is so awesome!  It was refreshing to meet someone hear (typo) here who has the same mindset as me (besides Miss Zatta of course)!  She's really down-to-earth and fun and we spent the whole afternoon together.

We started off at Aroma Cafe so we could eat.  About 15 minutes after taking our seats, I couldn't believe it but ASHLEY TISDALE was walking by and waiting in line to get in!  I stopped and looked and Jenna mouthed "Who is it?" and when I told her we giggled with glee.  Turns out we're both huge Zac Efron and High School Musical Fans.  Here are photos of what she looked like today!  Love me some Tiz.  It should be noted that a few hours after we saw her she was spotted with Vanessa Hudgens getting their nails done!



About 10 minutes after that, Chad Michael Murray walked by!  It was complete insanity.  I don't know if he went into the restaurant but he was wearing a hat and flannel shirt.  He didn't appear to be with anyone.




Tomorrow I'm working "The Forgotten" and Thursday I'm taking it easy since I have to be up and on set at 6:00 am on Friday.  Nuts!  I'm very thankful for all of the blessings I've been receiving lately.  Some are small but in the end I know they are helping me with my journey!

Jan 10, 2010

Stars in my eyes cause we're having a good time

Hellloooooo blogosphere!

My first weekend back in LA and I have already had two star sightings!



I was surprised to see Queen Latifah herself on Friday entering my gym so close after the People's Choice Awards!  QL looks bigger than all the midgets here in Hollywood, but in person she is tall and has beautiful skin!  She walked past me as I was drinking my coffee and talking to my mom on the phone before going up the stairs to hit the gym.  I could tell it was her but she had huge sunglasses on and a beanie.

Just as I was reporting that to my mom, Ali Larter was coming down the escalator decked out in Lulu Lemon attire. She is fit and looks great!  She also had on huge glasses but I am a connoisseur in celebrity recognition so that minor cover up didn't phase me!



Also, be sure to watch "How I Met Your Mother" tomorrow on CBS!  It's their 100th episode and also the episode I got to work on!  I doubt you'll see me but in the booth behind Neil Patrick Harris and Alyson Hannigan (and maybe Jason Segel?) so if you see some blonde hair behind one of them it's most likely me! ;)  Stacy Keibler is guest starring and she is a hot mama!  She was great on set too!

Jan 8, 2010

Back to reality?

Well, I'm back to life here in LA.  After having a major meltdown on Tuesday, I decided to stop worrying and start doing.  In case you guys don't know, I quit my job before I left for Texas so right now I'm living off of the grace of God.  It's kind of nice not working, but I get bored easily, so I'm trying to find things to occupy my time.  

Yesterday, I was supposed to meet with an agency in Texas, only to have the appointment cancelled (argh).  It clearly wasn't a right fit, so I wasn't too upset about it.  The great thing about getting up early and preparing was that I got to watch a sermon on TV with my mom and aunt.  The guy was talking about how everyone has tests to pass before they're promoted.  In the bible, people had to pass certain tests before they moved on; in high school, you have to take your SATs before you can go to college; in college, you have to pass all of your classes to get your degree.  The preacher said, "When planes go into the sky, they're not just let up there!  They have to get the go-ahead from air traffic control."  This struck a chord with me because on Tuesday I was talking about how badly I want certain things in my life but also how easy it would be to move to Dallas and be with all of my friends, close to my family and a drive away from my boyfriend.  But all things worth having are worth waiting for and I firmly believe God is shaping me right now to be prepared for things to come.  He's not going to throw me under a bus.  He's going to make sure I'm ready for everything when it happens. 

This was a breath of fresh air that I desperately needed!  I hope everyone can stop and enjoy the waiting, the lull, the silence... whatever is going on, may you be able to be calm and at peace.  Something great is waiting around the corner!

I should have known I shouldn't have been too antsy about things.  Sunday I have an audition.  Even if I don't get the role, the experience will be great.  Next week I'm working the show "The Forgotten" so that should be fun.  And I have a phone interview coming up on Monday.  This all happened just this morning.  Whenever I freak out, I know I shouldn't be too worried.  

Jan 6, 2010

An Open Letter to Cosmo

Does anyone still buy Cosmo?  I like to think of it as the "hag rag" -- too many issues and filled with crap.  I remember naive Kirbie in high school who would steal it from friends in Spanish class to read up on all the risque content.  The horror!  Mind you I was competent on about 15% of what was going on in there.  I had to be filled in on the rest by the seniors.

But seriously, how many "Kama Sutra" articles can they pimp out?  In the checkout at the grocery it seems like every cover has "63 new sex moves to please your man!" or "12 moves he'll never forget!" Not to mention most women aren't acrobats!  Some of the things they come up with I'm sure aren't even physically possible.  Can I get an amen?

Please Cosmo, give it up.

Love,
Kirbie

Jan 5, 2010

#11 out of 1300!




Hey everyone!

First of all, thank you all so much for voting for me.  Because of an early start, I was able to rack up enough online attention/votes to keep my spot at #11.  However, we can always do better!  The highest I've been is #7 and I'm hoping to get to #1.

Check out the site and see if there are any other candidates you may want to vote for.  If there are, great!  If not, vote for ME!!!!  If you could do this everyday that would be awesome.  If you have an iPhone, you can save this link as a button so you can go every day and vote without having to visit my blog.  On Safari, go to www.kirbiegoestohollywood.com, then click the "plus" sign at the bottom and select "Add to Home Screen."  You can name the button whatever you want and voila!  From there you can vote from my site; you can do the same thing by opening this site (the voting site) and saving it to your home screen!

Jan 1, 2010

I will give you a wedgie.

Sometimes in life, it's necessary to revert back to past behaviors that you might have enjoyed in say, oh, your childhood, specifically 3rd and 4th grade.  I'm not one to consider myself adult and I pretty much tell everyone I am a young soul, someone who will be eternally young for the rest of her life.

So when a minor altercation came about last Saturday, I knew what had to be done.

I was out on 6th street celebrating with friends for my 23rd birthday.  It's been tradition for the past three years for all of us Georgetown heathens (aka my high school friends) to round up the masses and head to Austin.  We bar hop, make memories, all that jazz.  It was bar close and I was getting my purse attempting to leave Peckerheads.  Note:  The only reason I was at this bar was because at one point this was a fun place to be.  However as a friend put it, it's been laced with "minors and crackheads" and he was pretty much on point.  Or was that minorities?  I'll stick with minors so that he doesn't sound racist.

To preface this, I was wearing my most Lady Gaga-like outfit I could salvage.  Actually, that is a lie.  I was not wearing a leotard, but I was wearing my liquid leggings (which are essentially pants) and a shirt with a million sequins on it.  It has shoulder pads, the whole get up.  I mean COME ON, it was my birthday and I wanted to feel festive.  As I was bending over to grab my clutch and leave the bar, a girl, unsolicited by myself, came up to me and standing over me said, "Hey you fat ass skank!  Next time you wear pants like that you might want to wear underwear!"

So many things running through my mind.  First, is my vagina showing?  Surely not.  Second, how does she know if I'm wearing underwear or not?  Third, am I wearing underwear?  Fourth, yes, I am.  Fifth, why does this matter?  Sixth, who is this person?!

I had not seen this girl at all.  She didn't know me, I didn't know her.  Then her boyfriend came over and made some comments; I can't remember if they were to mediate or hate (I was a little tipsy...).  I guess I figured they were the latter, because as he was trying to push her towards the door I ran up to him, lifted up his shirt to expose his boxers and gave him a wedgie... because that is a reasonable thing to do at a bar as a 23-year-old.  He was clearly not phased because he didn't say anything or even turn around.

I guess I'm glad that my first instinct in life is to give wedgies than to clock someone in the head.  It was all in good fun, right?  Listen, there's nothing a little wedgie can't fix. Doesn't really do a lot of harm AND it tells people that you know what's up.  Just call me the wedgie bandit.  It will be my trademark move.
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