Apr 3, 2010

April, you fool

Did you guys pull any pranks on April Fools?  I did.  This is probably the second best non-holiday next to Halloween for me.  I don't consider either of those holidays because we don't get off work or school for them.

I was working.  Plenty of shenanigans had gone on so far:  Joel McHale hacked into Ryan Seacrest's Twitter, Google changed it's name to Topeka, and people at the salon kept getting everyone excited by saying P&G had catered lunch for all of us in the back.  Totally false.

I knew I wanted to do something but wasn't sure what.  Earlier this week, a bank called regarding some person's bankruptcy, which turns out wasn't anyone at our salon anyway.  Calmly, I told my worker that the IRS had called the salon looking for him, but before I could get out the rest of what I wanted to say, I started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.  He didn't understand that it was a joke and his face turned white as a ghost and started to freak out.  I, thinking this is hilarious, can't speak, keeps laughing, am crying at this point.  Finally I tell him that it was a joke and that nobody called and I was laughing because I couldn't finish my prank.  He ends up telling me that he was terrified because the IRS had called his house that morning!  WHOOPS!

Most would say this next prank was mean, but you clearly don't understand how many jokes are played in this salon on a daily basis.  It's like The Laugh Factory, but with shampoos and hairdryers.  So I find out where a particular jokester stylist lives and go up to him while he's cutting a co-workers hair.  "Hey guys.  Have you seen the news?"  

"No... why?  Is this a prank?"

Trying to play it off, I respond.  "Why does everyone keep asking me that!  I can't even begin to play a prank without laughing!"

They buy it and tell me to proceed.  "Well, today one of our clients called in hysterics because her apartment complex broke down and she need to cancel all of her appointments."

"Oh my God, is she okay?  Where is was the complex?"

"Oh, West Hollywood I think.  They said off Sunset and... Gardner?  Gardener?  Does that sound right?"

My coworker stops dead in his tracks.  "Uh, yes, Gardner... that's where I live!"  

"Shut up, Lito, this is just another one of your pranks."

"No, I'm serious.  I live in an apartment there."

"Okay, well they said it was this huge pink apartment complex and it's completely burnt to the ground.  Good thing they put it out in time so that the other apartments around it didn't get burned down."  

He stops and gives me a look of sheer terror.  "I lived in a pink complex.  My dog lives in my apartment with me."

"Seriously, Lito?  Shut up.  That isn't funny."

"KIRBIE.  I'm serious.  Holy crap.  I don't want to believe you."

I stare at him.  "Seriously?"

"Yes."

At this point the guy in the chair looks awkward and mortified.  Lito looks distressed.  I start to laugh.  And that was pretty much the dead give away.  Not the reaction I was going for, but fair enough.

The worst had to be what I did to my mom.  I called her and told her I had "great news!"  She told me she did too - my brother did awesome at his baseball game - and then let me proceed.  So here's the story:  I tell her that at work that day I noticed a woman by the name of Lynn Harless was coming into the salon.  Any fan would know that Lynn is Justin Timberlake's mom.  I tell her that when she arrives it most definitely is his mom and while I'm escorting her upstairs and getting her ready for her appointment we totally hit it off and get to chatting.  I take her out to the terrace when she asks me, "What do you want to do out here?"  PS- I don't know how she believed me.  Actually, I do.  I was telling this story so well that you would think I would have fantasized about this happening to me on a daily basis... anyway, so she asks and I tell her that I am trying to get into the entertainment industry as a entertainment reporter and talk show host.  I tell my mom that Lynn says she knows someone who could help and tells me to call a J. Randall while handing me a slip of paper with a number on it.  I inform my mom that Randall is J.T.'s middle name.  She's getting giddy at this point.  "Oh my gosh!  Kirbie!"  She's giggling.

So I keep going. "So I take a break and go outside and call the number, which directs me to an office.  I ask for J. Randall, mind you I don't know if this is Justin or not, and wait.  The receptionist tells me that he would have to get back to me because I was busy and that he'd give me a call at this convenience.  So I go back to work and anxiously check my phone.  About 45 minutes later I have a missed call from a blocked number with a voicemail, and when I check it, you won't believe this mom, it was JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, and he was telling me he spoke to his mom and that she really liked me and that it just so happens that he needs an assistant for his record label, Tennman Records!!!!"

I'm telling her this story so well that I'm starting to believe it and I'm laughing and giddy as well.  Then, she's like, "Oh Kirbie.  I'm SO happy for you!"  And starts to cry.  I am an asshole.

Once the tears happened I immediately told her the truth.  "Mom!  April Fools!  It was a joke!  Don't cry, please!"

"Oh?  It was a joke?  You're April Foolin me?  Oh I guess I should have known, but I was just so happy for you and I was thinking, 'Oh, God, finally this is her chance!  What she's been waiting for!  I'm so happy for her!'"  Seriously?  I must be the spawn of Satan.  Who does that to their own mother?  And the fact that she was so happy for me makes me sick because I should be ashamed of myself!!!

Anyway, maybe this is a scenario where is you say it out loud it might actually happen.  Who knows :)

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