Nov 29, 2010

An open letter to men. Love, the 23-28 women's demographic

The male species is particularly of interest to me because right now in my life I'm transitioning from a lingering college grad to a full-fledged adult.  I will be 24 in a little less than a month; I am finally getting my own health insurance, I voluntarily pay to fix damage on my car and I next year I will be able to legally rent one if needed. Basically, I'm moving forwards in maturity.

Yet it seems as if men are moving... backwards.

I know that's a bold statement. It's not meant to ruffle feathers, but it's the truth. Some men mature more quickly than others, but a majority of men my age (and older) are literally trying to turn back time.  It became apparent to me that we females, unless married or discussing it with our partners, are surrounded by males who are desperately trying to morph into Benjamin Button. 

Let me explain. As women mature, we tend (not always, but tend) to lean towards more stable relationships. We look for men who have stability and if not that, at least aspirations as such. It's a turn-on to meet someone with passion -- whether it's sports, politics, art, his career, or maybe even us

What isn't so hot? When the guy is passionate about blacking out and keg stands with 20 of his closest friends every weekend.  News flash, this isn't a Cher song.  You can't turn back time, you can't find a way.  Please take that to heart.

Before I proceed, this post is probably not relatable to undergraduates.  Nothing to see here (unless you want to prepare for the future, then proceed with caution).  And I guess I should define the target market of men I'm speaking to.  If you have a big boy job, if you are you pursuing higher education, if you are old enough to pay your own rent; basically if you're anywhere between the age of 23 and 30 (maybe older in some cases), I'm addressing you.  While some of you guys have yourselves together, most of you do not.  So please take this with a grain of salt if you are one of the few who aren't busy planning your drinking festivities on a Monday.

It seems to me that men are trying stop time by reliving their freshmen year of college all over again; the older they get, the more they long for lack of responsibility and dive deeper into their quarter-life crisis.  Growing up is a double-edged sword: along with freedom you attain more responsibility, you have to make more important decisions, etc.   And while I thought men made a miraculous change in maturity after graduation, it appears as if I am wrong.  Not so much from personal observations, but by a majority of my friends' experiences.

"Why does every guy our age feel it's necessary to be completely, stupidly hammered all the time?"

I had a friend tell me in detail how she witnessed a majority of her grad school friends getting drunk to complete obliteration at a recent wedding.  While she was enjoying herself with a few more bevs than normal, she noticed her guy friends, around the ages of 24-28, were getting boozed to the point of no return. She might not be single, but regardless it definitely wasn't piquing any interest of any female in the room -- even those guys' girlfriends.

My cousin just explained to me her break-up with her 31-year-old boyfriend, a successful business exec still getting sh*thoused every weekend, who would find any excuse to throw a few dozen (not an exaggeration) back: the game was on, the kickball game was won (or lost, or rained out...), and so on. One night she felt sick so she went to take a nap and awoke at 4:30 in the morning to her now-ex doing keg stands with his friends, AT 31-YEARS-OLD. This is the same boyfriend who left in the middle of moving her to a new apartment to go drink and watch the game.  I guess sofas can move themselves now!

MSA (MALE SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT):  Sorry guys, but Old School the movie is hilarious; re-enacting the film as your life is, well, just pathetic.  Getting blackout drunk (the word sloppy would work in replacement of "blackout") every weekend is not going to find you a girl worth being with.  I'm aware that some of you have no desire to be in a relationship, and in that case carry on as usual -- HOWEVER, you might want to keep reading because the latter portion of this blog will have some great insight for you.

For those of you seeking (at some point) a relationship, listen up.  You might be awesome to the undergrads, hitting up the bars like a big shot and buying everyone booze; some undergrads love older men with an affinity for heavy drinking, because the free booze guy is everyone's favorite person.  It more than likely will attract you women of the same drinking calibur, and it can be deduced that if a girl is getting obliterated every weekend that she's probably going to be sloppy.  So sure, maybe it's cool to be 25 and dating a junior in college because she likes to drink as much as you do, but when she graduates she's probably going to grow up, and you'll be left without a drinking buddy (and probably a good portion of your dignity).

I'm not talking about events like bachelor parties or birthdays, and even big NCAA rivalries get a free pass to par-tay har-day.  I'm refering to end-of-the-week escapades that start on Friday and require you scooping yourself out of bed on Sunday to recount what type of shenanigans lead to your massive hangover. 

Point being? You aren't in college anymore! Guys, women want men who are strong, confident and who we feel safe with.  Yes, we are strong, tolerant, amazing women, but at the end of the day we want someone who is on equal ground as us in that department -- we don't want to have to be the sole unit of strength in the relationship.  When the girl you are dating turns into your substitute mother, it's time to reprioritize.  Aren't you embarrassed?  Have any shame or dignity?  We can't you guys just man-up already?! You can keep resisting adulthood, but you're going to continue to get older.

Too many stories have I heard that resulted in my girlfriends taking care of their boyfriends after they couldn't drive home or were hugging porcelian all night, and that same boyfriend can't figure out how to nurse their girlfriend to good health when she has the flu.  I dated a guy (albiet briefly, thank the good Lord) when I was 20 that peed on himself while trying to pee on a car, the proceeded to keep peeing on himself in my car, and barfed all over himself, myself and his apartment before passing out drunk in bed.  He "didn't remember" a thing the next day.  Only God really knows how I tolerated that whole mess because he clearly was one to take home to Mom and Dad, but I can guarantee you that if we weren't in college and he was considered an adult that I wouldn't have answered his phone calls the next day (which is what I should have done all along).

This is a great PSA for women as well: if you're dating someone and you find that your collective social life with this person revolves around feeding his need to drink endlessly with his buddies (and in the process you're nursing your own unbareable hangover the next morning, week after week), it's probably not a relationship worth moving forward with.  If you both understand the relationship is just for kicks, that's great; have a companion, have some fun, whatevever.  But don't get bent out of shape when you decide you want something more from him and he's getting pissed off that you're asking him to commit to date night on Saturday when you know he's planning on taking Jaeger Bombs and passing out on someone's couch.

Don't get me wrong, I like to have my fair share of fun and when I date someone I like for them to share in that with me.  I'm all about looks and personality, people!  But I don't (and will never) black out. I know my limits, partially because I want to be in control, the other because I don't like vomiting or hangovers.  I also like being able to get up the next day and do something productive. I love tailgating and pre-partying; celebrating after a long week or just having a fun night. But when week after week you're drinking excessively, it's not cute anymore. It's just sad.  For women, you end up being "that chick" who can drink more than a man, but you're also not attractive to them either -- you're not the "commitment type."  And for guys?  You're just that dude who keeps aging and refuses to recognize that women like men, not boys.

I have had some nights where I look back and think, "Kirbie, taking off your shoes and eating sugar directly from the packet in Ole South probably wasn't the wisest idea you've had lately," (unfortunately this example doesn't count because it was most notably the best night ever, and I was still in college).  In fact, most of my shenanigans happened in college when I was single and school was my priority, not moving forward with my career (so deep, I know).  I could go to Happy Hour at Chimy's on Thursday and stay until bar close at The Cellar so I could sing "Forgot About Dre" and even head over to Whataburger to nom on a taquito at three in the morning yet still be up and ready for work on Friday because I was in my prime!  I had no real responsibility at that point.  People still viewed me as a student, not an adult.

Yep.  It's after graduation that everything changes.  You can't fall back on the "I'm in college" excuse.  In college, those infamous drinking tales are hilarious.  But once you've turned into an alum, they become less and less amusing and more questionable: what is this guy working towards?

Last year a guy I went to college with was known as the token drunken alumni at college parties. The guys in his frat thought it was awesome and all the girls thought he was a heinous moron. Kind of how I felt when I saw alum at parties being so piss-drunk they couldn't stand straight. They'd been out of school for three years, but they still remembered how to dump an entire beer down their shirt!  What a stud!

To be honest, I feel like some of you guys get drunk to numb yourself of how you feel about yourself.  Is your self esteem so low that you have to make an a$$ out of yourself with alcohol?  It's really not worth it.  This need to rough yourself up with booze has to stem from something, whether it's the need to feel young again, to forget your troubles, to have an excuse for your actions... and so on. 

Think about this: why do you think ladies are so attracted to athletes?  I know what you're thinking -- yes, some women are gold diggers, but that's not who I'm referring to. And personally, I'm more attracted to coaches because they're the real leaders, but I digress.  Women find anyone with dedication attractive, like I said before.  Athletes, without a doubt, are dedicated to their sport.  That's why you commonly don't hear about them going out and getting hammered in the off season, because they're preserving what they have worked so hard to attain.  They're persistent and keep stability in their work-outs and training.  They want to acquire as much knowledge about their craft as possible.  And for most athletes a few beers isn't going to affect them; they'd literally have to be drinking to get inebriated for it to count at all. 

And yes, I know what you're thinking again:  "Well, I'm not a professional athlete."  Yes, I'm aware, Captain Obvious.  The point is that dedication to anything is attractive because it shows that you know what you want.  Perhaps you started your own freelance business or you're an entreprenuer.  Maybe you're in grad school, studying to figure out what you really want to do with your career.  Maybe you volunteer, write music, perform in some way; coach, tutor, or write.  When you have passion about something, go confidently towards it.  You have to live excellently to attain excellence, am I right?  Just think about it that way.

I'm not saying you can't mix your passion with play, that drinking is bad or anything of that sort; I'm not saying that in the slightest.  But the likelihood of you taking that next step towards bigger and better goals in your life is going to be contingent on if you thoroughly recognize that the old phase of your life is done with.  And I'm positive that shotgunning eight beers and drinking enough shots to the point that you couldn't explain to your mother how you arrived back in your own bed the night before isn't going to prepare you for those goals, especially if it happens weekly.

Just sayin'.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

My baby Kirbs.. I have a feeling I must officially stop calling you that in public after reading this blog. You are such a brilliant young woman.

(Who will for forevever be my baby)

-CA

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