Dec 9, 2010

Christmas Fails

It's the holiday season... and more than likely you've been getting your fair share of Christmas tunage on.  The other day "Deck the Halls" came on and I was listening intently to the lyrics.  Yeah, guess it was a slow day.  Anyhow, I was listening and it reminded me of last year when I thought the lyrics went "See the blazing Yulbee forest."  Hmm.  I never thought twice about it until I sang them out loud once, and realize that is a rather unsettling word choice.  Why would anyone include a forest fire in a carol?  Is there some secret, historical meaning behind "Deck the Halls?"  Then I searched the lyrics and realized I had been sorely mistaken for my entire life.  Thank goodness it's "See the blazig yule before us."  #ChristmasFail

I remember fondly of the book The Polar Express.  My 1st Grade teacher, Miss Jenkins, decided to read it to us during story time.  I was always terrified of story time because this kid in my glass, Jeffrey, would pass gas WITHOUT FAIL every single time.  To make matters worse, he wasn't embarrassed about it, so it was a vicious cycle and he'd always get away with a slap on the wrist.  Anyway, she reads us the book and it was really magical.  I got SO into it.  And at the end of the book, she said that Santa Claus has personally came and delivered little jingle bells to us, and they were all miraculously sitting on our desks!!!  It was kind of spooky and eerie, but then again the idea of Santa is spooky in general (but I'll get to that later). 

Fast forward to last night, as I'm slaving away over HTML that I can't get a handle on.  I have it on Disney for whatever reason and The Polar Express movie starts.  Oh good!  More Christmas spirit.  Bring it on. 

Actually, don't bring it on.  That movie is TERRIFYING.  The characters are bizarre looking; they look like cracked out Sims characters, and the whole time the train attendant, a.k.a. Tom Hanks, is busy scaring the crap out of all the chidren.  Anyone else find it weird that this train shows up late at night at takes herds of young children to the North Pole?  It was a little too reminsicent of the Holocaust for me.  I'm serious.  They didn't know what to expect, they were separated from their parents, they all had 'tickets' to get there.  It was making me a nervous wreck.  I had to turn it off after 30 minutes.  Thanks for nothing, Disney.  #ChristmasFail

Editors note: My mom claims that parts of this next story are embellished.  This is a clear depiction of how I saw this go down.  She claims my brother was really nine or ten, but I'm positive he was at least around 1st grade age.  How did you find out Santa wasn't "real?" I really hate that term.  I mean, he was real, at one point, right?  Right?  UPDATE: upon further research, I've just officially realized, at 23-years-old, that an actual Santa Claus never actually existed.  Ever.  In life.  It was all folklore, it was all this "idea" based off other people.  I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck.  Anyway, I guess the point is that Santa Claus is based off of Saint Nicholas, who had a reputation of secretly giving children gifts (I'm hanging on to that one stitch of realness).  Actually, Santa is still alive and kicking, and he is "real," because the idea is that everyone will give to others secretly without being seen.  That one will get a gift because they are deserving.  And really, aren't we all Santas?  I just had to take it there.

As far a him not being real, I found out from my mom's boss.  Yes.  He happened to not only ruin Santa, but also the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Talk about devestating.  I cried for three days straight on my couch to my mom about it.  "I'm just so sad."  I felt like he had died or something, but I think I secretly knew that, really, it was the inner child in me dying.  I was so wise as a kid.  Growing up is so hard.

My brother, on the other hand, had a hilarious story finding out.  Maybe not to him personally, but I find the whole thing comical and I love telling this story.  He was maybe five or six and for whatever reason my parents thought it would be festive to go to the mall on Christmas Eve.  I think I actually thought up this wise-guy idea because I wanted to see everyone merrily shopping with their families, when really it's a gigantic biscuit-eating-bulldog of a situation.  So we get to the mall and the P. Units are non-chalantly trying to keep Nick from looking to his right, which stands a massive toy store.  Of course this plan fails miserably and in we go.  I was so beyond toys at this point, Limited Too was all the rage, so I was running around with Nick to see what toys he liked (and to check if he had gotten them already from Mom and Dad). 

Nick found this toy that he had to have and there was no turning back.  I wish I remembered what it was because you would have thought he lost his right leg the way he was crying about this toy.  I had never seen him act a fool like this besides that whole stint when he was a baby when he had colic (haha, that makes me laugh every time).  It was truly appauling.  Who was this kid?  My brother resembled a cherub angel as a child.  It appeared Satan had taken over.  I remember at one point it he pulled the whole hanging on my mom's arm thing and she wasn't having it ANY of that. So the fam immediately marches out of the store and out of the mall, heading straight to the car. 

Dad being the strong, silient type, was well, silent; surprisingly, my mother hadn't said a word either.  I knew the storm was abrewin'.   I mean, he had just thrown a fit of epic proportions, a DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS.  Did he not know that Santa knows if you've been bad or good?  He was so screwed.  (I had already found out at this point, but for his sake, he needed to know the consequences). 

He was sitting in the backseat of the van crying his little eyes out, wah wah wah, and then mom goes,

"Nick, you know why you can't have that toy?  Because we already bought it for you!"
Sniffle. Nick cracks a smile. 
"Because Santa Claus isn't real."  "Because Mom and Dad are Santa."  Silence.  No smiles here.

I was waiting for the wailing to begin, but the little guy just sat there and stared out the window on the way home like, "Eh, whatever."  I mean, I CRIED FOR THREE DAYS!!!!!  And I was older than him when I found out!  Does he not have any respect for the institution that is Santa Claus?  Turns out he really didn't care, he was getting the gift anyway, and it didn't matter if it was from ol' Saint Nick or from Mom and Dad. 

I always wondered what he would have done if Mom said, "Nick, Santa's dead."  I think the reaction would have been way more thrilling, at least for me. :)  I asked Nick this Thanksgiving if he was traumatized by this occurance and he said barely remembered the incident.  Go figure.

Afterwards, Mom and Nick hugged it out, mostly because I think Mom was motified with her actions (she's too hard on herself) and Nick was hoping he wouldn't get punished.  He was wrong; he definitey got in trouble the day after Christmas. #ChristmasFail

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