Dec 21, 2010

Conversations with Mom

Let me break down my mom for you.

Janet (Aka Mom, The Madre, Mommis) is quite the conversationalist... as you read in a previous post, she's well spoken and obviously has a kind, tender heart, especially when it comes to her kids.  But the woman, as loving as she is, is not one of those Moms that just sits and watches.  She walks into a room and you know she's there.  She gives huge hugs.  She laughs a lot.  She's very giving and she speaks her mind.

I mean, the woman made the cover of the NY Post with the headline "HE IS NOT A RAT."  If that can't initiate a conversation, I don't know what can.  Side note, I think a more fitting headline would have been "HELL HATH NO FURY like a sister scorned" because when it comes to her siblings, Mom's a little... what's the word?  Oh yeah, aggressive.  But that's why we all love Janet.

She's bad, she's bad, you know it -- yet emotional (we all place bets on when she'll cry during Christmas, my favorite has to have been the year she received her Sylvester Stallone jacket -- yes, one he owned -- and she broke down).  She's hilarious, something I've learned more and more over the years.  Erin and Jennifer can vouch with all the gossip we share in the kitchen.  Or that one time when she took me to wrap some kid I had a crush on's house.  OR (personal fav) when an ex-boyfriend from high school called me a whore (it was so wrong, so unsolicited and really ridiculous) on the phone, which of course put me in tears, and she grabbed the phone out of my hand to tell him to "shove it when the sun doesn't shine."

While she has threatened to call a few people up every now and again, she's grown, calmed down a little and won't be telling anyone where to shove it anytime soon (or ever).  Some would be mortified, like I was at the time, but now that I look back on it, I realized she wasn't totally out of line for saying that to him.  I remember Erin almost peeing herself laughing when these shenanigans went on, which of course made me laugh, and afterwards she told my mom that she was "awesome" and gave her a high five.  "I would have done the same thing," said Erin.

In the words of Taylor Swift, "If guys don't want me to write bad songs about them, they shouldn't do bad things."  Guys, if you don't want to be told where to shove it, maybe you should think before you  call someone who wasn't even your girlfriend at that point a whore for not wanting to date you and wanting to date someone else :)

Needless to say, Mom is always cracking me up on the phone.  Here are a few of tonight's convos.

Janet, Miss Johnson if you're nasty
Tonight, regarding my Christmas presents from my aunt and uncle:

Janet:  "We just got back with the gifts from Rog and Deb's.  There is a small box here under the tree that I think is for your birthday from them."  
Moi:  "A jewelry box?"
Janet:  "I think.  Actually, yes, the bow says the designer's name on it so I know it is."  
Moi:  "Is it Tiffany?"
JJ: "No.  You'll never be able to guess."
KJ:  "Well you're right about that because I don't know jewelry designers very well."
JJ:  "Don't I know that." 
(trying to be cute)
KJ: "All I really need is my Mom and my Dad and WUB!!!"
JJ: "Well, you have a Mom, you have a Dad... not sure about the love part..."

Explaining to her that her gift from me is not something she asked for, but she will love it regardless:

KJ: "Now Mom, this gift I got you... it's awesome.  But it wasn't something you asked for, so..."
JJ: "I hope you didn't spend a lot of money on it."
KJ:  "I didn't.  But it's great, and I want you to know some of the gifts you did ask for are being saved for your birthday.  So don't be bent out of shape if you didn't get exactly what you asked for on Christmas."
JJ: "Well I asked you to buy me a big honking piece of jewelry, so if you didn't get me that I'm going to be pissed."  

(She was kidding.. or was she?)

While trying to explain to her how awkward it was when I got hit on at the gym:

KJ: "Hilarity ensued at the gym today!"
JJ:  "Why?"
KJ: "So I did step class since I hadn't in awhile, and then after that we did a mix of pilates and yoga and --"
JJ: "Kirbie, did you toot?!"
KJ:  "What?"
JJ: "I thought you were going to say you tooted in class."

Uh, thanks Mom?  I am a lady, not a neanderthal as I can only presume that you think I am!!!!

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