Jan 20, 2011

Bad to the Bone... sorta

I try to keep profanity to a min on this blog (and life in general), but last night I witnessed a full-on bitch fight.

These girls put cats to shame.

I was shaken by this ordeal because a) I had never witnessed a before and b) one of the girls involved had terrible eyelashes on.  I mean, they were heinous.  (I'd get on her case about her terrible Lady Gaga wig, but now I'm starting to think she had Alopecia and I'd be a may-jah a-hole if I started ragging on someone for that.)

After it happened, some chick was bleeding because her earring had gotten ripped out.  There was broken jewelry all over the floor.  It was truly terrifying to experience.  I felt like Maury Povich was somewhere holding a paternity test or something.

I was explaining to Rocky that I had never seen a fight before... except that *might* be a lie, because I've gotten into an altercation or two.

No, I haven't thrown any punches.  I haven't hit anyone.  But I got a girl kicked of out school because he was a jealous hoe tramp soul who attempted to make my life a living hell, and frankly was going to get kicked out regardless. There was that 'wedgie incident' on the night of my 23rd birthday.  And there was the "What's your rank!" ordeal that happened on New Years 2010.

Guys, I know it sounds like I am a handful but trust me, I'm a real gem to date.  I just like to pretend I am 6'3'' and 225 pounds of solid muscle when I have a few.  My bark is way worse than my bite.

This is why (clearly) I need to date a much larger man who can look at me like I'm nuts and laugh off the whole thing later.  I mean, I'm not ghetto.  I'm not going to cut anyone.  I'm not going to punch anyone in the face.  But if you get up on me and try to start something?  I will give you a fierce wedgie.

I can't stop thinking about that New Years and how I did everyone a solid by grabbing a bottle of vodka from the bar since was open and it took around 45 minutes to get a single drink.  I even went back for mixers.  THAT IS CALLED DEDICATION.  I wanted everyone to have a great night and we all certainly did.  As people were starting to leave, and being the (idiot, nimrod) that I am, I got a water bottle and started swirling it around me like it aint no thang.  This caused some douche man from Ole Miss to come up to me (fratted out) and tell me to knock it off because I was getting water on him.  Oh, I'm sorry?  Didn't realize it would cause your make-up to run.  And it wasn't like I was intentionally trying to attack you, I was doing it with my friends.   Anyway, this apparently got me all hot and bothered because I started harassing him about his rank.  As in, his school's rank.  And how they were in the Cotton Bowl and sucked and how TCU was #4 and we were awesome.  Because I apparently I need to size everyone up by their NCAA rank. Good lord.

I'll never get a date again if I keep giving away all my flaws right off the bat.   You can't say I don't bring the entertainment!

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