Jan 6, 2011

Remember that time I broke glass with my bare hands?!

Pop quiz: I've had plastic surgery! Can you guess where? I'll get to that in a few paragraphs.

Well guys, my superhuman abilities have taken over my daily activities.  Here I was, just sitting at my desk, preparing to leave the office, when BAM!  Glass everywhere.

I was gifted a rather nifty glass water bottle for Christmas from a coworker.  It was supposed to be eco-friendly.  Anyway, I was obsessed with this thing.  Took it with me everywhere, and it made me drink more water which is always a good thing.  So imagine my heartbreak (and horror) when I went to put the lid back on it and the thing BLEW UP.

The top is much like a cork.  You have to stick it inside of the bottle.  I mean, I don't know if I've been eating too many greens lately or not, but after putting the top back in the bottle I heard a large POP and glass went everywhere: on the floor, on me, down my shirt, in my hands and fingers -- and in my eyeball.

Remaining calm, I called my boss who didn't answer (go figure) and then my coworker who can running over to check me out.  I did the routine no touching/flush out the eye with water and eye drops and thought I might be in the clear, until I started to drive and realized my eye felt rather uncomfortable.  I wasn't in pain persay, but it just felt weird.  Like something was still in it. 

So I get home and my mom obviously freaks out, mostly because the glass could have cut my eye but also because, in case you guys didn't know, my eyes are a very sensitive subject.

BIG REVEAL: if you smarties guessed I have had plastic surgery on my eyes, you'd be correct.  I believe it was called a Blepharoplasty.  Most women get it as they age because of saggy eyelids.  It was done improve my vision, however it did provide cosmetic signficance as well.  PS: Don't you just love how I spun that?  "My plastic surgery story?" Got you all interested, didn't it? ;)

Anyway, the surgery wasn't anything majorly transformational.  I was born with droopy eyelids.  For awhile people were calling it lazy eye, but that is incorrect because lazy eye refers to Amblyopia, where one (or both) eyes don't function correctly (one doesn't move, one turns outward, etc.), and my eyes were/are fine, it was just that my eyelids visually impaired me from seeing the "big picture" if you will -- they were too long I guess?  I had to look up to see things that were tall and whatnot so Mom decided to send me to a plastic surgeon and get them fixed. 

So how did they "fix" them? They never removed any part of my eyelid -- the weirdest part!  Mom told me today I could technically go to a plastic surgeon and they could undo my surgery!!!  And that I'd probably look 100% different, which totally freaks me out.  But anyway, they took a tendon from my leg, cut it into 6 parts, and put them above my eyes to give me an "eyelid lift" or sorts.  Or something.  I'm not clear on the whole procedure, Mom you can go ahead and clear that up for everyone, but I do know that I have fantastic vision now.

I remember the whole ordeal of getting the surgery: getting rolled into the operation room with my doll Becky, my Mom crying as I got wheeled away, getting the anesthesia to put me under and waking up not seeing a thing -- I had to wear not one but TWO pirate patches.  Actually, Mom, maybe you can help me out here.  I have no idea what these patches looked like, if they were gauze or legit black eye patches or what.  I'm sure we probably have them saved.  Anyway, I remember Mom holding my hand everywhere and walking out of the hospital, knowing we were walking out of the hospital doors and to the car; laying in the living room (on the couch? A pull out bed?) and listening to one of my favorite shows on VHS, while getting infuriated when my family would turn it off before the credits ended (I couldn't see a friggen thing but I had memorized the entire show from start to finish).  And I remember when they took off the eye patches and, of course, Mom crying.

UPDATE:  Here's Mom's clarification aka the full monty.  It's about time I knew what the heck happened:

"What you had with your eyes was called Ptosis FYI.

They took a tendon from your leg and used it to lift your eyelids by attaching them under your brow on each eye in three places.  You had two gauze patches over your eyes for three days.  You laid on a palet at Mima's house on the floor and listened to your "peeps" (I had weird names for my videos). 

When I took you to have the patches removed it was so awesome because you had been used to having to lift your head back to see someone not at eye level with you.  Another words put your hand just under your brow bone as if you are saluting someone and try to look up.  That's what you saw.

So when the patches came off you were sitting facing me on my lap and you looked at me like you were seeing me for the first time!  Your little eyes were just searching all over my face.  I can still remember the look to this day.  And it still makes me tear up!  BTW, we still have Becky too.  She's on your bed!  :)  You are a precious angel with beautiful eyes."

SO yeah, needless to say when it comes to my eyes, Mom gets a tad territorial.  I mean the woman did put her two-year-old only child (at that point) through plastic surgery to get them fixed, and frankly I'm glad.  While I was made fun of in school for having "weird eyes" as a kid, I grew into them quite nicely and the joke is on all of those hoes because guess what?  When I get older I won't need any work done to my eyes or forehead because I had an eyelift of sorts back when I was in diapers.  Boo yah.

Anyway, moving forward to the glass incident of 2011: I made my first trip alone to the hospital!  I felt so adult!  I went to Cedar Sinai where all the celebs have their babies and people have drug overdoses.  It was a long shot from Georgetown Hospital... I could barely figure out where to park.  The kicker about this was that there were at least 50 people in the waiting room and I was in-and-out of there in an hour and a half!  Crazy right?  Apparently if you need immediate attention, have something wrong with your eye.  All they need to hear is "shard of glass" or "eyeball" and you'll be good to go. 

The doctor (who wasn't McSteamy) ended up putting those neon yellow eyedrops in my eye so he could search for any scratches.  Between my glass breaking abilities and the yellow eyeball, I felt like someone from X-MEN.  He concluded that there was no glass in my eye, however a piece did lightly scratch the soft tissue.  So he administered a few numbing drops to make me comfortable and told me to come back if my vision was blurred.

So far so good!  However next time you think it will be a good idea to gift someone a glass water bottle, think again!

1 comment:

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