Jan 25, 2011

"She's leaking."

I know I'm nowhere near having children.  Or wanting children, for that matter.  I still get a little anxious when I hear babies wailing, but I think my maternal instincts have kicked up a notch:  I can cook, I care about my car, I'm excited about things like my crocpot.  You know, the usual.

Last year, I was thinking that I would be totally fine as a single mother  (don't bother telling me it's weird to think about this or ask why I remember this thought from last year.  I'm aware and I don't know how I remember this stuff).  I mean, it's not like I could ever be 16 and Pregnant or a Teen Mom.  And thank the good lord -- those shows give me anxiety that's on another level. 

It's not like high school.  If I was having a kid in high school, my life would be ruined.  If I had a kid in college, my life wouldn't be ruined, but my dreams would be.  And if I had a kid now... yeah, my dreams would still be ruined (for the time being at least).  But I'd be able to make it through.  I'm an adult.  I know people who are maturely making the decision to have children on their own free will.  It wouldn't be the end of the world.

Except it TOTALLY would.  I was listening to my chum Ryan Seacrest (he's going to employ me someday, he just doesn't know it yet) and he was talking to Kim and Kourtney last week to publicize his production company's show, Kourtney and Kim Take New York.  First off, snoozefest.  I love Kim, but now that Scott has (allegedly) reformed himself and Khloe isn't there to instigate him, it's rather boring.  Besides the point.  ANYWAY, they were talking about how Kim is all peeved at Kourt and Khloe because they latter two are discussing having children at the same time so they can grow up together.  Obviously this is an issue to Kim because a) she's not married b) she doesn't have an illegitimate child (yet) and c) she's not married. 

Then Ryan asks Ellen (his co-host) if women frequently plan to have babies at the same time as their friends.  Apparently to her, yes, yes they do.  Women formulate when to get prego with their friends so they can go to Mommy Yoga and to classes about lactating together.

Okay, so let me explain the horror I had to listen to on this ride to work.  Ellen says she thinks Kourtney is having problems with lactation.  Ryan is confused.  So she goes in depth, saying she doesn't think that Kourt is having trouble lactating, but that she's having trouble lactating too much. 

Similiar to a Justin Bieber song, I couldn't stop listening.  I should have stopped, but I kept on going.

She said that women's bodies are trained to lactate when they hear their baby cry, and sometimes this means at the grocery store or at bible study or while you're trying on new clothes since all of yours don't fit, and sometimes it's NOT EVEN YOUR BABY that's crying!!!!! And, apparently, this isn't news at all, and I had no idea.

Um, I'm sorry?  I have enough problems in the day just walking correctly without tripping.  You're telling me when I have a kid, that not only will I be sleep deprived, in-between sizes, wearing maternity clothes that don't fit but cover up what I haven't lost yet, getting barfed on, and listening to Baby Mozart that I'm going to also be a leaking woman, without any control? 

SICK. JOKE.

Perhaps when I get that full-blown 'maternal instinct'  it'll be hilarious, not awkward or disgusting... but just thinking about the humiliation of walking around and hearing a rando baby cry and then lactating like an exploding water balloon makes me nauseous.

Here's to hoping my husband has a fantastic sense of humor.

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