Feb 2, 2011

Growing up is hard to do

Ugh.  The minute I started enjoying being an adult, I was reminded of why growing up isn't that fun.

We had to put down my dog, Toby, today.  I don't know why I'm still at work writing this right now because I'm literally a basketcase.  I can't stop crying.  He's been a part of my family since 9th grade; he's our 'younger' dog, which scares me because now I know Harley is next (he's six years older than Toby).

I mentioned I'm fascinated with death, but it's also one of my hugest fears.  Not for myself, but I worry I will lose ones I love too soon.  We had a death in our family when I was in 7th grade that was pretty traumatic and tragic.  I think both of those terms are understatements.  And I am not saying that to garner sympathy or anything of that nature, but I think this is why I have a hard time letting go of people in my life, because "laying to rest" any type of relationship is a struggle for me.  I always wonder if it would be the right thing to do. 

I'm glad I'm not in Texas dealing with this.  I wouldn't be able to handle it.  I know that if I was there, I'd be finding ways to convince my family to not do it; I have a very hard time playing God and deciding when another living thing's life should end.  God forbid a time comes that I'll ever have to do that for a human being.  He wasn't a human but it doesn't make it any less sad. 

Our older dog, Harley, is starting to go blind, it's hard for him to walk, and he's losing control of his bowels.  We thought he would be the first.  Toby is our baby. 

Toby had lymphomas pop up last September and we got him on steroids, but they failed to shrink.  It's been affecting his asthma and today he was coughing and couldn't catch his breath, and my brother and Mom both came to terms that he needed to be put down.  I asked Nick if it was the right thing to do and he said yes, so they took him in today at 5:00.  Mom said after they put them to sleep, the vet let her know that the lymphoma had moved to his stomach, and she was surprised he was even breathing still.  So it was the right time.  My dad is going to bury him next to our cat. (Yet another reason we shouldn't move.)

They brought him home so Harley could see him and his last good-bye, because my mom's friend Christine is a dog trainer and says that is necessary for dogs to do they know what is going on and aren't all of a sudden without their friend (or in Harley's case, his brother).

I have a broken heart.  It feels like half is missing.  So please say a prayer for my little Toby.  I know he is happy and healthy up in Heaven now, and he will get to meet Toby the First.  I am glad we had him as long as we were allowed to.  Let him rest in peace.

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