Feb 22, 2011

Real Talk with Kirbie J

Are any of you straight up confused right now?  I am.  I'm really anxious about a certain aspect of my life.  I'm going to put all of this out there because, well, this is my blog after all, but I'm pretty sure many of you feel the same way.

For once I feel content in my professional life.  I am working towards my goal with the class I've been taking, and I really love it.  I really, really love it.  It made me realize that I am in the right place, doing the right things for my dreams.  I'm inching closer.  I also have been enjoying my job a lot more.  Not so much the day-to-day aspect of things, but the events and parties really have put me on cloud nine. I love those things. 

I also have been enjoying the feedback I've been getting from my class and about my blog.  I don't know what I  get more flattered by -- when people say I'm funny, that I've lost weight (always a good thing to hear) or that they love reading this blog.  It makes me feel accomplished, even though this is just a personal blog that I write to fulfill some creative needs in my life.  

So what am I worried about?  Not worried, per say, but sometimes I'll start thinking about my future and get nervous concerning love.  No, I'm not on the mad dash to get married.  On the contrary, it's quite the opposite.  But as I grow, it does pop into my head that the relationships I have could potentially end up in marriage.  One of my closest guy friends this past week was G-Chatting me and put it perfectly: "It's just weird that now I can be dating a girl and she could end up being my wife.  And that freaks me out."  Amen, brother.  It doesn't freak me out about finding my husband, but it definitely freaks me out the idea of being old enough to get married.  When. Did. That. Happen?!

I read all the time about people getting divorces and witness infidelity in this town and it freaks me out to no end.  I plant seeds in my head that I will never have love because I have career goals.  I know this is not true, as there are plenty of women out there with a husband and a family who are living their dream every day (a la my idol, Carrie Underwood), and I am simply letter my inner drama queen bust out and slap me in the face a few times.  But it's hard when you're young and in this big sea of a town and you're wondering if all those aspirations you have will end up ruining your chance at living happily ever after.  It also bothers me that just two years ago I believed I could have it all and believed that fully, and now I'm starting to question that belief.  I don't like that -- I never questioned my beliefs before.  And what worries me about that is that means I am growing up... obviously my body and mind are rejecting adulthood...

I think a lot of this has to do with California.  In Texas, so many of my friends have found "the one" already and the quality of life is so much better.  There isn't a financial strain.  Everyone is nice.  Men are gentlemen, and women are ladies.  There are minimal facades and more often then not people are upfront about their intentions.  But out here I am reminded constantly that I am very much alone.  I am not trying to offend anyone or throw myself a pity party-- my friends out here have meant the world to me, especially in the past year, and have made me live my life to the fullest while pursuing my dreams.  But the truth is that it sucks sometimes.  My family is all in Texas and I miss them all every day, but especially when I'm sick and could use my big bed at home and some TLC from Mom and Dad.  And I'm not going to lie, I love my independence, but who doesn't love those weekends when you can spend hours doing absolutely nothing on the couch with a person you care about, and it's the best day ever just because you're with them.  

I'm not fishing for sympathy.  Maybe empathy, if anything.  But what kind of human would I be if I didn't question myself and what I'm doing with my life?  I feel like that is normal for a person my age,  to wonder if what I'm doing is right.  I'm young; I have time to walk through the questions and land on the answers, but it's still difficult going through the mystery that is life.  I'm positive many of you feel the same. 

I don't want to be jaded, or hardened, or lose my sense of magic and whimsy and my true beliefs.  Ever.  I write those things out and put them on my Vision Board to remind me every day that those things make us all unique in our own right.  So really, this is me being neurotic and expressing that I am just a tad scared right now. Then again, shouldn't you do things that scare you? :)  

This verse always soothes me when I get to thinking about these crazy things life brings up.  Because in the end, I know I will have a great career that I love and an amazing love in my life if I just keep being me, look to God, and stop letting the world affect my psyche.

 Psalm 37:5 "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act."

And for good measure, here is one of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm feeling lonely.

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