Mar 1, 2011

MENtervention: Take a hint

It's that time again...

I didn't think I'd have any ammo for today's Menter because nothing really went on this weekend to ellicit one.  But then yesterday happened.  Here goes:

Someone once told me that men don't "get it" when it comes to women blowing them off.  A coworker was just telling me a story that reaffirmed this: she had met a guy through a friend a few years back who kind of went nuts with texting/wanting to see her.  She never showed interest and they never dated.  Furthermore, she would not answer any form of communication from him.  Then, randomly, she's at a party and he just so happens to be dropping a guest off, when he notices she's there and decides to stay.  As he's introducing to people how he knows her, he tells them they dated. Obviously this is a problem.  So he gets aggressive says he needs her Blackberry PIN and waits for her to add him to make sure she gets it.  Then he proceeds to text her obsessively about seeing a movie, going to sushi -- each time, she wouldn't respond (even though he could see she had read his messages).  Finally she tells him she isn't interested and he affirms that "he figured."  Except the he's back to square one trying to set up a date!  PERSISTENCE DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY OFF, GUYS.

There are times where you have to man up and "win" your woman, make her realize you're meant to be together, all that chivalrous stuff.  I get it.  But if you're trying to win her over and over again to no avail, it's because it ain't gonna happen.  Take it as a sign from God.

One of my girlfriends called me because she met a guy at work.  "He's really fun and I like hanging out with him," but she's not attracted to him.  The thought of kissing makes her want to vomit.  But she really wants to maintain the friendship!  Every girl aspires to have that core group of guy friends where we can hang and it be strictly platonic.  I'm not a dating guru (clearly) but I was trying to give her some advice, because she mentioned that he non-chalantly said he wanted to take her on a date and she dismissed the question, but she thinks the time will soon come that he makes a move -- and that makes her nauseous.  

I like giving advice to my friends, but I always feel stupid doing so because, really, what do I know?  Case and point?  I'm single.  But maybe that is the point.  Anyway, in an effort to help, I told her if he asks her out again, she should say "That would ruin our friendship!" which in a woman's view is a way to let a guy down gently, however guys could (and do) construe it as a motive to win your heart.  To work a little harder.  He will not be defeated!  

OR, she could be like, "I just got out of a serious relationship and am not ready to date."  This puts the breaks on and makes it clear she doesn't want to date him.  In his mind though, he could think, "Well, I have a chance once she's ready."

Let's make this clear.  This goes for women too.  If someone tells you they "aren't ready to date," sure, they probably mean it, somewhat.  They need time to recover, move on, get right with themselves, whatever. There is something holding them back.  But more importantly, if someone says they are not ready to date, it means they are not ready to date you, because let's be honest, when it's the right person, it doesn't matter if it's been one year or one day -- you'll be willing to take a chance or a risk if you are genuinely interested. There's no "I need time."  When you really start to like someone, you want to be with them, right?  You want to test the waters to see how things go.  You're not going to wait until you feel enough time has passed. 

This also goes for the term "I don't want to ruin our friendship."  I think there is a quote along the lines of "GREAT LOVE REQUIRES GREAT RISK."  That great risk could be risking your heart or your friendship.  If you are living your life in an effort to maintain friendships and in the process sacrificing love or anything else (your dignity, your morals, etc.), then you need to sit and evaluate who are you are living for.  Yes, the fact of the matter is that there will be relationships where you date someone and you were great friends before and then you break up.  No, you can't just "be friends" afterwards.  One day, there will be that one relationship where, no matter what, you come out on the other side, together, as the best friends of all. 

Kid Cudi tweeted on Sunday (before his account got suspended) (again, this isn't verbatim) that if two lovers can be friends after ending things, then they were never really in love at all.  I can't be sure, but I'm going to assume this as a FACT.  If you can slip into the "friends zone" immediatley after a break up, bravo, but you must not have been invested in the relationship because if you were it would be a rough and exhausting mountain to climb to be around that person and not want to be with them or see them with someone else.  I'm not saying you have ill will towards them and curse the day they were born.  Actually, it's the opposite: if you truly love someone, you want the best for them no matter what.  But that doesn't mean becoming buddy buddy again.  It's too hard (and most of the time unhealthy) to backtrack a relationship. 

Well, now that I'm completely digressed from the point -- if you hear either line ("Not ready" or the "Friendship" factor), you need to jump ship.  Keep it friendly, don't insist on anything... just move on. 

*As always, every situation has a circumstance attached to it.  Remember, these Menterventions are not the rule, they are the exception.  They aren't the gospel.  I'm just giving my opinion on various situations.  But always follow your heart and do what you feel is right -- just don't be delusional.

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