Apr 4, 2011

MENtervention: The more boys I meet...

... the more I love my dogs.  And they're both dead (RIP Harley and Toby).

I should probably rename MENtervention "Dating in your 20s: A crisis of sorts."  Because while MENterventions will presumably last forever, the crap, anxiety and downright idiocracy of my 20s is only going to last approximately five and a half more years.  It's worth a few dedicated posts, yeah?  This post is for both men and women.

Anyway, I've know this is going to sound so dramatic, but I've come to terms that I'm going to be alone.  Forever.  Imagine it like it's said in The Sandlot:  FOR-EV-ER.  Gives the term more emphasis.  But really, I have some logic and behind this.

This post comes from some stories about relationships that I've heard over the past few days.  It drew up some pretty intense emotions.  One story was about a girl dating two guys at the same time, both seriously.    The other came from a conversation I overheard about a girl and how her boyfriend doesn't make her feel good about herself.  

I've had great relationships with good & bad times and terrible relationships with good & even worse times.  I've had some grand romantic gestures, some simple yet beautiful moments, and of course heartbreak. I've been told how people think I look: beautiful, pretty, gorgeous.  I've been told how I am to them: witty, sweet, creative.  These things are nice, but for me talk doesn't really mean anything if you don't put action behind it.  What you do speaks lengths more than what you say.  I've never felt like I am a necessary part of someone else's life.  Well, duh Kirbie.  Clearly I wouldn't be single if I was, right?  I'm not saying all this to hurt anybody or make anyone feel bad.  Everything happens for a reason.  But it's how I feel, however I don't think it was something done intentionally.

Now, I know you're thinking: A) You're going to be taken for granted a lot until you find a special relationship with someone who won't.  (Valid.)  B) Well, you're just another insecure female.

This enrages me! While there are batsh*t crazy hoes who ruin it for the rest of us, most women are strong, independent and aren't clingy.  We get put in this category of "emotional females" who make up crap inside their head, who have no reason to doubt our partners.  False.  I am not an insecure freak who makes up crap in my head -- there has to be something legitimate to make me feel a certain way.  I feel like I'm confident in myself and don't let too many things ruffle my feathers (which can be good or bad).  My feelings are concrete and not without basis.  Trust.  I'm not saying I'm perfect, but this is my blog so I'm allowed to write without having to constantly play the devil's advocate.

I have found that when I am alone, I feel the best about myself.   Don't you ever feel like that?  This might sound like the opposite of how it should be -- shouldn't you feel the best when you're with someone else?  But alas I always feel more empowered when I'm single.  Not all the time -- a relationship can be uplifting and can really make you soar when it comes to self-esteem.  I feel like companionship is worthwhile and amazing, don't get me wrong.  But, sometimes, I feel like I am 100 times more confident alone than I am when I'm with another person because I can only depend on myself.  I don't need anyone.  And while I enjoy (and deeply desire) having a companion, I know I am responsible for my own happiness.

When I was 21-22, I felt really great about myself and my life.  I was legal, single, and loving it.  Still in college, I had my best friends by my side to get into some trouble with and make some memories.  Both of my two comrades had long-distance boyfriends, so we would all go out together and have so much fun without any male in sight.  We weren't interested in guys or meeting people.  It was just us.  For whatever reason, I felt the best I ever had (even though I see pics of myself from that period and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?").   I thought highly of myself.  Not in a snobbish way, but more like "I am happy with where I am in my life and who I've become."  I had gone through a pretty terrible breakup and had just gotten my dream internship ripped out of my hands, which really did a number on my happiness for awhile.  But then I did a 180 and felt like I was on top of the world.  And a few months later, a boy was brought into my life while I wasn't even looking.  That's a great feeling, knowing you're happy alone but then God brings in someone to elevate that happiness.

For whatever reason, this feeling of peace isn't stirred up while I'm in the relationship.  Maybe it's an independence issue.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be in a relationship if I wasn't content, but I always thinking that something is bound to happen.  I'm never sold that another person is going to ensure my own happiness.   

Sometimes, I actually feel more insecure with a boyfriend than without.  Maybe it's because in every relationship, the guy ends up in a situation with another girl.  It made me feel inferior, whether it was cheating, bringing up an ex-girlfriend (and why they were better than me), or texting a friend about how hot another girl was... while he was standing beside me, holding my hand.  Pity, Party of 1?  No, I'm not asking for any type of sympathy because frankly we all have crap happen to us in relationships that will mess with our psyche.  But these instances really freak me out.  Not because they hurt my feelings, but more like, is this normal?  Is this something I have to come to expect from men?  That they're going to consistently be looking at other women, even when they're with me?  I mean, it's not the "looking" part.  Everyone looks.  But for me, when I get to the point where I want to commit to someone, I'm not looking at other guys.  I'm not still checking out the rest of the cattle.  If I wasn't content, I wouldn't have committed in the first place.  So why are guys doing blatant things like calling dibs on a girl they want to date next or going as far as cheating?

Carrie Bradshaw moment: Are men made to be monogamous? 

I've had conversations with men and women about my feelings on this and they all say same the same thing.  "You have to squash a lot of grapes to get to the fine wine."  "That's why it's so easy to know when he's 'the one', because he will make you feel like you are his only priority." "Well Kirbie, everyone looks.  It's normal."

I think a lot of women will agree with me on this: is it so much to ask to want to a man who doesn't have eyes for anyone else? I am not referring to looks.  That's not it.  I don't need someone to tell me how I look or that I'm beautiful or whatever (although those things never hurt).  And I'm not asking for a puppy dog to hang on my every word, but women don't want to feel like a guy is settling to be with them, and meanwhile is wishing he could attain someone else.  I'm confident that 100% of other people, men or women, would agree with me on that. 

What I'm trying to get to is that at this point in my life, men are the last thing on my mind... although it seems I'm constantly writing about them. (????).  Frankly, I'm disgusted.  Here's a story:  I was at dinner with a group a few weeks ago and one guy was clearly there with a girl.  We had all had a few drinks and I was ready to leave, so I said my goodbyes and walked to the valet.  The guy, whom I had met a few times before (and he nauseated me), insisted on following me out to the valet to make sure I got to my car -- which was nice, but it was like a two second walk from the table.  He didn't need to come.  He came outside with me and after my car pulled up, he grabs my hand as asks if we can "hang out" and then pats me on the ass and kisses my cheek.

Let me say how mortified and upset I was.  Not even for myself.  At this point in my life I have come to terms that some sicko is going to grab or touch my bottom, unsolicited, because it must have a blinking red sign on it.   But I got so upset for this girl who was there with him.  She was very obviously into him and he was acting like he was into her until I peaced out -- I can't imagine being that chick and watching a guy I liked get up to walk another girl to her car. And if she knew what went down outside?  I am sick to my stomach thinking of it.  Nobody deserves that.  And the worse part is he probably went back inside, left with her and spent the night with her.  By the way, that's a flaming red flag.  

So yeah.  The past two years of my life I have heard and seen some rather infuriating things go on among the male species.  I don't get it.  Point being?  Wouldn't you rather be alone and feel wonderful about yourself than be with someone who only brings you don't and fills you with anxiety?  Reconsider the relationship you're in if you can't be at peace with the other person.  They should compliment your life, not detract from it.  

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