May 14, 2011

Whatever happened to Saturday night

If my horoscope is any indication, love is (allegedly) in the air.  Well, astro-gods, THROW ME A BONE HERE.  Because I'm ready.  I'm not even talking about love.  No, don't send me a relationship. Send me someone I enjoy talking to, kissing and hold hands with.  Someone who is so absolutely amazing that I don't even want to spend every day with him.  Just someone who will call me beautiful, take me on date once a week and likes to cuddle will do.

With that being said, here goes my Saturday night.  I'm not hating on it because it was absolutely hilarious, but at the same time I'm like, "Oh my Lord.  I'm turning into Carrie Bradshaw.  THE ONE HOE I HATE."  I'm going to movies, yapping about idiotic men I've had the shame of dealing with here, then coming home and blogging.  Really.  This is my life right now?

Not that I'd have it any other way (read: I would, but right now this is doing just fine).  First off, tonight I was supposed to go see Bridesmaids with my friend Shannon.  I'm all about this movie.  I can't wait to see it.  And of course I should have listened to the voice in my head because Lord knows that movie was sold out not only for the 7:55, 8:00 and 8:45 showings in the Los Angeles area (yes, all theaters in a 30 mile radius), but also FOR 9:10, 10:00 AND 10:55.  This is why I simultaneously love and hate LA.  In Texas, ordering tickets for a movie was unheard of unless you were trying to see How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Christmas Day or the midnight screening of Sex and the City.  Here, if you're trying to see a movie, opening weekend, on Saturday night, you better have ordered your tickets that morning; the day before if you're expecting a prime time showing.

Since I had been at Target before meeting up and bought us candy (gotsta be frugal -- $1.00 compared to $3.75?  You know I'm buying at Target!), we felt slighted that we'd go to the movies and not actually see one.  So what do we do?

Go see Jumping the Broom.

Judge me all you might, but I really wanted to see this movie.  I heard great things about it and hell, I enjoy anything that involves family terror and a wedding.  So we bought our tickets and sat second row, front and center.  Yes, it was *almost* sold out as well.  

I had high hopes.  But the fact is that the entire movie was whack.  The story line got so bizarre in some instances, and the sexual innuendos were abundant.  The beginning was slow, and about an hour in things got crazy.  First off, the mother-in-law was a crazy biotch -- both of them.  The story goes that the groom's mom was pissed about him getting married.  The bride's mom's marriage was in shambles and she was a mess.  And the bride and groom only knew each other six months before getting married.  

The whole movie you're like, "Why are these two getting married?"  They're fighting like Ike and Tina before they even walk down the aisle!  Red flags running rampant all over the place.  It wasn't just that their families hated each other, but that they seemed to hate each other too.  I mean, what fiances say to each other, "I'm questioning marrying you because of your mom," the NIGHT BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED?  I mean, since when hasn't a mother-in-law gone past the line that is appropriate?  I'm sure everyone has had mother-in-law issues and they still manage to get married. 

Also, other weird shiz goes on.  Romeo (read: Lil Romeo) is a 20-year-old college kid who is on a cougar hunt. Stuff really gets out of control when we find out that when we all thought the bride's dad was cheating on his wife, he was really going broke.  And then we find out that the bride's mom isn't really her mom, and her dad isn't her dad -- her aunt is her biological mom.

So this starts a whirlwind of shennanery, and the groom's mom overhears a convo about the biological mystery going on in the family and feels like IT'S HER GOD-GIVEN DUTY to tell the bride who her real parents are (or in this case, aren't).  So she ruins this couple's wedding day (granted they were already having severe issues) and the wedding is called off...

At this point I had to pee like a racehorse and by the time I returned, I came back to see an intimate convo with the bride and groom about how everything was "too messy now" to be fixed, except they "loved each other" so guess what?  They're still going to get married!  Baggage and all!  Cause as the pastor said, "Sometimes your soul mate can test you."  I'm sure this is true but jeez, these two seem to be jumping the gun, not jumping the broom.

Not to mention the whole friggen movie they won't take on the tradition of jumping the broom to appease the groom's mom.  I mean, it takes TWO SECONDS.  Just jump the damn broom!!!!  

And the most aggrevating part was Julie Bowen.  I love Julie in Modern Family, but her character in this movie was past the point of offensive.  Does the world see white people as dense, uncultured human beings?  She kept asking what the deal was with "everyone liking fried chicken" and why someone was "mocha as compared to milk chocolate" and most idiotic things like "what is the Cupid Shuffle?"  And the other infuriating thing is that the bride banned the DJ from playing anything that would instigate the electric slide.  I mean, IT'S A WEDDING.  I feel the electric slide is mandatory at weddings.  Who does this woman think she is?

Anyway, the whole thing was a tragedy.  I'm sad because I wanted to enjoy it, instead I left feeling berated and confused.  

There is a silver lining though!  We got to see the No Strings Attached Friends With Benefits poster featuring JT and oh my gentle. This is his number one look. A little scruffy, grown-out curly hair, a tan.  THIS IS THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MERE 12 YEARS AGO.  (Plus the blonde tips.  We'll ignore that phase.)  One must wonder why I haven't had an encounter with JT in my two years here. I set out to pursue my dream in LA, but also came out here to befriend Britney, save Lindsay and marry Justin.  I haven't seen any of these people yet.  Not one.  Well, we did see JT from afar as he shot this movie (the scene with Emma Stone), but seriously God, I know you have a sense of humor.  Send me some outrageous story involving Justin.  Outrageous meaning he pops the question and we have curly haired children.

I always wonder how creeped out if Justin ever found this blog.  Here's to hoping he doesn't peruse the internet for blog mentions.

Now I'm home, despite my itch to out and be wild and crazy.  I'm watching Usher's Behind the Music and while I can't stand him, I absolutely love the Confessions album.  He's giving me so much material for my next wall.  He actually said something so insightful just now that I'm trying to decipher if it's actually a William Shakespeare quote.  Stay tuned mis amigos, and have a great Saturday night.  


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