Jun 14, 2011

I don't really know how to go about writing this. I'm sad, but I wonder if I should be? Is it wrong that I am upset? Or emotional?

Today, I got an email from my Aunt Lisa, letting me know she needed to reach my mother ASAP. Lisa married Vernon, my biological dad's (Von) brother. She has been divorced from him for awhile, as my mom has been from Von. 

I texted Mom, but she was at college orientation with Nick (my brother) so she said she'd get back to Lisa when they were finishing things up.

I haven't seen Von since who knows when. I remember seeing him briefly during visitation, where my mom and dad would drive me to Houston to see him -- a three hour drive. He was married and living with his new wife, Jean, and their two daughters (hers from another marriage).

I've picked my brain several times and I cannot remember the last time we spoke. I know it was before I was 18, maybe even before I was 10. I don't think he paid child support so there wasn't a reason (I suppose) for him to be in touch with me.

However, if you loyal readers can recall, I have posted twice about Von in the past two months because my Statcounter indicated someone from Las Vegas, Nevada, was searching for "Kirbie Jaks" (my biological last name) and "Von Jaks." The has been going on up until a few days ago even.

Tonight, my mother told me that Von died. He died May 6th. That's what Lisa wanted to tell her -- Vernon told Cole (Lisa's son). 

I'm shocked. He was only 57 -- which I only found out by Googling him. By the way, that's about the only info I can find about him. No Facebook page, nothing about him anywhere. I can't even locate an obituary or death record. That's astonishing to me, given all of the technology we have at our fingertips.

He passed from leukemia. That shocked me as well... I've never "known" anyone who has died from something like that. It breaks my heart for him. I was surprised by my own emotions, because I cried on the phone to my mom. To be honest, I am sad. The past two years, I have quietly been wanting to get in contact with him... let him know how I'm doing, ask him some questions, get to know him a bit. I mean, he's the other half that created me.  

It's just a very odd, bizarre situation. 

I always wondered if he thought of me, if ever, and what he thought about me and our non-existent relationship. Would he ever want one? Why didn't he reach out to me? Does he have any grandchildren? What is he doing?

And now, I just keep thinking, "What if we did have a relationship? What if he was a huge part of my life, just as big as Dad is?" And that if that were the case, I would have lost a dad at 24. I mean... I have. I have lost a Dad at 24. But I wouldn't call him my dad. He was probably an integral part of someone else's life, but he didn't send me to college, he didn't see me go through heartbreak, or drive me out west to start my adult life. Mostly, he hasn't really been there. I don't know if that was a conscious decision to avoid hurting me or because he didn't care, but he wasn't around. 

I am mostly sad that it took over a month for me to get the news. I sincerely hope he was surrounded by people that loved him and took good care of him in his last days. Furthermore, I'm sad that I wasn't notified previously that he had cancer. I mean... I don't know. Perhaps I am not entitled getting those types of details. If I was dying of leukemia, I can't say that I'd be like, "Call Von and get him here," or anything. But, at the same rate, I'd want to talk to him to get some peace out of our whole situation. I wonder if he asked to get in contact with me? If he tried?

And lastly, it's just a really sad part of life that you can have a child with someone and then never really know that person, and that you can love someone and know them inside and out and then go to not knowing a solitary thing about them -- and never seen them again. A natural progression in life that God brings us to if necessary, I guess. Everything happens for a reason.

It's a sticky situation because it's really nothing like if Dad would have passed away. That would be a whole different story -- I'd broken apart. Being a Dad is more than having a genetic tie. But I can't help to see that one tie as one that bound us... and one that should have been explored more. 

If there are any relatives of Von with a direct connection, please, please send me an email and get in touch. All I want is a few minutes of your time. 

Rest in Peace, "Daddy Von." I hope you are feeling healthy, happy and are reunited with those you loved who passed before you.

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