The great thing about when I cry? My upper lip swells, and I instantly have a fuller, Angelina-esque pout. Except my face is red, so it really isn't a consolation.
The not so great thing when I cry? That after I'm done, I realize there is no reason to cry at all.
"Life is demanding without understanding..."
Sunday, I was ab-sol-utely making myself miserable. I was so anxiety ridden that I sat in bed and watched a Real Housewives marathon, in between dozing off to sleep and waking up, which lead back to crying... a vicious, vicious cycle. You know how misery loves company -- and I can tell you that most of the Real Housewives of New York happen to be a lot more miserable than the ones in Orange County. Woof.
I guess I should explain a few things here...
I understand that most of you think I am downright psychotic. Unstable. What-have-you. My mom even said, "Kirb, be careful with what you say on these blogs, because sometimes it makes you sound like you have issues, although you don't." Thanks Mom for that reassurance -- wouldn't it have been hilarious if she was like, "It's exposing all your mental issues"? Anyway, I know, deep in my heart, that other people -- possibly other women -- are going through what I am going through. This quarterlife crisis has me down, down, down my friends. Not all the time, just some times. And I need to Praise God for allowing me to be single throughout all this, because these are things that will certainly help me become a bona fied adult. The situation is as follows:
I could not pinpoint, for the life of me, my feelings. I am enjoying LA, given the opportunity it brings -- plenty of jobs I would be more than passionate about -- but I miss three things that are dearest to my heart: My family, my friends and Texas.
Now, I know that LA isn't where I'm going to raise a family, or get married even (then again, WHO KNOWS). But I do know I am enjoying this time in my life, although I am terribly lonely. And I second guess myself more than I should, wondering if I'm giving up luxuries of comfort back home for a life that isn't even in God's plan. This is upsetting because I have never questioned myself before.
And, this has all come to fruition more prominently since I've been needing to find a new place to live and a new roommate. I was deadset on living alone, given I didn't want to deal with Craigslist creepsters and all my friends have places to live. But as it turns out, living alone would mean living in a shanty or whorehouse, unless I wanted to dedicate my entire paycheck to just bills and rent. So I kept thinking to myself, "If I can't find a roommate, is that a clear sign I should go home? God, show me a sign! THE sign!" Which is the hardest thing ever to ask for (and to find), because then you spend your time wondering, "Was that a sign? Or was that a sign?!"
But I was afraid. Afraid that He would tell me I needed to move back to Texas, and I wouldn't be happy, because (intuitively) I knew my time here wasn't finished yet. I talked to my friend on Friday about moving back to Texas, and she was so excited about the prospect of going back. She was content and beyond thrilled. "Sayonora LA, hello Dallas!" And I don't feel that way right now. One day, I know I'll feel like that, but right now it adds more anxiety for me to think about picking up my life and moving home and starting back from square one.
When you're looking for a sign, it's literally just as far as your intuition. It's like... when you have a thought in your head that you need to break up with someone because, for whatever reason, it doesn't feel right. That's your intuition. But plenty of times, we sit and search for the "sign" to breakup. Maybe it's that our significant other must cheat before we end things, or that he doesn't call when he is supposed to, or something petty like he didn't take out the trash. Regardless, we have this feeling in our heart to break things off, but we all try to find an excuse to confirm our feelings.
But I feel our intuition is God's whisper. I've talked about God's whisper so many times before because it's real. When something comes into our mind, and it comes back more and more and more, and we feel it in our heart, it's God's way of guiding our lives.
I ended up calling my Aunt Bonnie that day, because I didn't want to bother my parents with any of my anxieties (I know they worry about me enough out here in this crazy town!). I also went to church that night, and the sermon the pastor gave wasn't a coincidence. I heard things from both people that I desperately needed to hear.
Both offered me insight and peace... and I can't wait to share them with you tomorrow.
Until then, I'll leave you with this:
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13, New Living Translation