Oct 13, 2011

Show me those pearly whites

I had noticed this before... Lindsay Lohan's teeth are looking ROUGH. But then this photo comes about and it literally looks like they're all about to fall out of her head. I'm sorry, I know it's harsh, but listen...

Girlfriend used to be a coveted teen actress and is now ranks as the highest celebrity on the "death watch" list, now that Amy Winehouse is gone (Rest in Peace) and Brit Brit has a conservatorship. We've seen this girl fail and fail and FAIL and yet nobody can seem to keep her in a jail cell, or a rehab, where she belongs.

I won't dabble into any more of the trangessions of La Vida Lohan. But one thing we can gain from her? Her publicist's approach.

Here's what he had to say about Lindsay's teeth:

"With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I'm going to comment on Lindsay's teeth," he added.

Valid point, that is, if you weren't an entertainment publicist. Last time I checked, it WAS your job to comment on this crap, especially since she's your client. Or at least provide a "no comment." I mean, before that little gem of a statement, you went on and on about how Lindsay is being asked to do photoshoots all over the world and how glamourous she is.

Which brings me to this:
  • Photoshoots, eh? Last time I checked, she was an actress... but I'll play along like it's normal to keep being photographed as an actress without actually producing anything theatrical
  • Speaking of photoshoots, I hope they have some fabulous retouchers
  • Glamourous? Explain to me how any of this equates to "glamour":
    • Going to rehab countless times
    • Going to jail countless times
    • Having a degenerate for a Dad
    • Having a hot ass mess for a Mom
    • Being broke yet spending money you don't have (who are we kidding, this is 99% of Americans)
The only real glamourous thing Lindsay had left was her mug, and now that's questionable. Her teeth are whack, she looks about 10 years older than she really is, and she's got this weird fat face/skinny body thing going on, which I was 100% sure was bulemia, but my boss informed me it was actually due to doing massive amounts of coke. Or as he calls it, "Coke Bloat." I'll throw in an "allegedly" so I don't get sued, but it's not like I'm the first one in the history of mankind to assume LL has been doing hardcore drugs. I mean... she always managed to have some mysterious white powder up her nose or on her pants and nobody knows where it came from. And the excuses they come up with are priceless. "Uh, Lindsay is a sleepwalker and got into a giant box of powdered donuts last night... at the bar..." "It's weird, Lindsay has this very peculiar disease where white rocks grow off her nosehairs." (Yeah, I made all those up, but really... they're close.)

I know that sounds like jealous-bitchy girl all rolled into one, but trust -- I'm not jealous of Lindsay Lohan's life, and it's the truth.

Like I said though, we can all learn from La Vida. My friend Kari brought this to my attention today over email. Let's start using Linday's publicist's excuse for everything!

"Kirbie. Why were you late to work today?"
"With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I'm going to comment on work obligations."

"Miss Johnson, you why are you urinating in the gutter?
"With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I'm going to comment on my urination habits."

"Kirbie, why did you get drunk enough last Thursday to grab a bottle of chili-infused vinegar and shake it around, lodging it in people's eyeballs?"
"With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I'm going to comment on chili-infused vinegar."

 
Homegirl is probably headed to the nearest cosmetic dentist she can afford...

Now let's remember the good ol' days!







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