Oct 20, 2011

Today on "Shut the hell up"



I need to get some things off my chest, so unfortunately you people are going to have to read a full-on rant. By choice. You can navigate to another website if you wish, so I don't feel too bad about dishing it out right here and now.

You know what needs to be abolished? If you read my tweets, you know. WHISTLING. What is the point, really? It's a nuisance. A bloody irritation from hell. (That sounds more like a bowel movement, doesn't it?) The worst is when people do it in public, like at work, or at the grocery store. You feel compelled to sing, outloud (I'll get to that in a minute), but perhaps you can't sing or feel like singing would in fact be weird, so you decide to bust out the whistling to satisfy your musical needs.

I have news for you. Do not whistle while you work. That is the absolute WORST piece of Disney advice out there, much like beastiality (Beauty and the Beast), eating shrooms (Alice in Wonderland), or running away from home to be with your boyfriend (The Little Mermaid). There is a reason most offices don't usually have music playing, and it's because some styles of music aren't everyone's cup of tea. The grocery store has a stereo system blaring classic 80s for most of your visit. THERE IS NO NEED TO WHISTLE. More than likely, we all have absolutely no idea what song it is anyway -- it's not like whistling has a vocal range -- and we all want to smack you.

If you whistle, you are selfish. The end. Whistle in the car. Whistle in the shower. Whistle anywhere that isn't in public.

Furthermore, please don't take it a step further and sing. Are you an artist about to jump on stage and perform for adoring fans? Then there's no reason why you should be beatboxing and/or doing runs in the hall while waiting for the elevator. We get it: you have God's gift inside you. But much like an athlete doesn't go into a coffee shop and start practicing his fastball or jumpshot, you need to lock it up and refrain from belting out "How Do I Live Without You" while waiting in line for your chai latte.

Are you on Glee? If so, great. If not, stop singing Journey in the ladies room. Even if you are on Glee, unless you're about to perform for Barack Obama and/or are on set at the Paramount lot, it is sincerely FROWNED UPON to sing in any form outside of where you should be singing.

It's different if you're, say, a street performer (a la J. Biebs back in the day). But waiting to take an appointment at the office? No. Waiting in line at the movies? Stop. Getting your hair did at the salon? Take a hike.

You not only are annoying everyone around you, but you are making a complete ass out of yourself. You think you're great enough of a singer than any and everyone wants to hear you sing, at any given time of the day? It's like going into someone else's kitchen and baking because they mentioned one time they liked the cookies you brought to school.

It's not kosher, people. Eradicate mindless whistlers, and please, save the singing for the shower.

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