May 6, 2012

Big Rich Texas: A Review

Against my own will, I've succumbed to Big Rich Texas. I watch it religiously, every Sunday, and sometimes when there's a marathon, I'll put off hitting the gym. I actually started watching it because I feel such a huge ownership over anything Texas (like I own the state or something) and I wanted to see what kind of shenanery was about to go down. Because if you know me, you know I hate nothing more than the Texas stereotype: that we're all hicks, ride horses, wear cowboy hats and boots, have giant hair, were all in pageants at one point, etc.


I'm a Texas girl. I drink whiskey. I wear cowboy booties (they're cuter). I like college football, I know how to line dance; I know what constitutes as good Tex-Mex food and what doesn't, I know how to make a margarita (a good one), and sometimes, if under the influence, I run around yelling "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!" (Which, obviously, is how I refer to myself... intoxicated.) Furthermore, I know the true meaning of hospitality, politeness, and enjoy country music. 

However, I hate horses. They terrify me. I will never ride one ever again. I'm not a hick. Contrary to my old boss, I actually grew up in a well-populated area, in a suburb, right outside of Austin. I was born in Houston. (Big city). I went to college in Fort Worth, and frequently traveled to Dallas. (Two huge cities.) Refuse to wear a cowboy hat. Sorry. I was never in a pageant, and while I have friends who were and are still a huge part of the pageant scene, I find that some pageant girls like to flaunt their prize-winning beauty around because they have nothing better to talk about and they really need to focus on learning how to wear their makeup from day-to-day since pageant makeup is out. of. control. Thankfully the people I know in pageants are nice, normal human beings. :)

Anyway, what does this have to do with Big Rich Texas? Well, watching, it pretty much plays up all those stereotypes and then some:

Plastic Surgery
During the tell-all, all the women (the mothers) discuss all the surgeries they've gotten: breast augmentations (Bonnie even says she had her boobs "installed"), some kind of hand rejuvenation so  they match their new faces, etc. They've all gotten Botox, and a few have had rhinoplasties. I mean, most of the mothers look great. More power to them. But it gets a little crazy when 5'2'' Whitney wants DDD breasts because her role model is Pamela Anderson. Oh, and I can't leave out the fact that Leslie wanted to encourage Kalyn, who's 18, to get lipo so she could improve Leslie's pageant business. Good times. (Note: I have nothing against plastic surgery but Whitney does NOT need bigger breasts and encouraging your child to get lipo at 18 is ludicrous.)
Hicks
Kalyn is Leslie's Goddaughter, so I'm not sure how disgusting this is technically, but it's pretty foul. Kalyn starts a huge drama when she starts sleeping with Leslie's son, Tyler. I know they're not blood related, but COME ON. This is why people around the country think we're all a bunch of heathens in Texas. That we're all backwoods hicks that date within our families. That's disgusting. I mean, she refers to him as her brother at one point. I'm sorry... but I have no affectionate feelings for my brother beyond platonic, and that he's my brother. It's grossing me out thinking about this. I need a Xanex.

Crazy Moms and Cliques
I feel like Texas has this persona of having a bunch of Moms that don't do anything except shop a lot and get in each others' business, and are constantly judging how other moms parent, or, on the opposite end, that they're neurotic crazy people who yell and scream and hoot and holler, and pretty much have no brains that God gave a dishrag. And that's pretty much all depicted in this show. Case and point: crazy Deyanni, who is literally the epitome of an overbearing mother, yells in her daughter Shaye's face before slapping her in front of her friends (and their mothers) after breaking a rule. You can frequently watch footage of her squawking at Shaye during cheer practice, bludgeoning her vocal chords in the process, or calling Shaye "Sasquatch." One thing she should have learned from all that cheer practice? Yell from your diaphragm!

Also, at one point or another, all of the moms yell and scream at each other, call each other bitches, meddle in everyone's business, throw drinks on each other at parties, try to get people kicked out of town and eliminated from elite groups, like the Fashionistas (I hate that word), which is all about making Dallas huge in the fashion scene.

The only thing missing is them causing riots at church bake sales, right?

Pageants
Yes, pageants are huge in the south. And I have nothing against them. I've just been rubbed the wrong way by some pageant girls, so it makes me wonder why it's so important for them to tell everyone they're "Miss _____."
It's like if Gisele was running around telling everyone "Guess, what? I'm beautiful, rich AND married to Tom Brady!" or Oprah was like, "I make about 10 times more than what your entire life costs." No need to boast, ladies! I love a humble pageant queen. But anyway, I hate how they make them such a huge ordeal in the show -- Melissa was decrowned?  No! She never WAS crowned because she got pregnant! Oh HEAVENS, have mercy! Quite the scandal. And Leslie's entire livelihood is to help girls win pageants; Kalyn was her puppet to help promote it all.
They make pageants out to be like the second coming of Jesus when it's a rather petty thing to get in fights about (or in Kalyn's case, get lipo for).

The only people I find somewhat sane (although pretty bitchy at times) is Connie. She has her own store, Uptown Consignment; I think she's a single mom and is doing well to raise her daughter, and I think she's a very beautiful Texas woman. And if Pam wasn't completely bitter about everything, didn't curse and scream at the drop of a hat, and didn't try to bulldoze everyone around her, I like the relationship she has with her daughter.

But who am I to judge? It's reality television. It's highly unlikely that none of this was staged, and I wouldn't be surprised if this group didn't know each other from Adam -- instead, they were thrust upon each other and left to their own devices.

Texas, you're so much better than this show. Especially you, Dallas! (I looooooove Dallas.) But, in true Texas fashion, I have to say this: I don't know any of these women, and while reality TV can make the worst of people, I'm sure these ladies all have fantastic qualities and aren't as nuts as the show makes them seem. In fact, I'm sure thanks to alcohol, and some egging on, they probably received what I like to call the "Hollywood treatment." (Also known as the magic of editing.)

Sending all of my Lone Star love,
Kirbie

1 comment:

Leah-Vail said...

Wow - I think I have a lot to learn about Texas but that was truly an education.

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