May 19, 2012

Goodbyes can go to hell

Friday night, two hearts were broken. I'm sure more were affected, but I can only be sure of the two.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it's the correct word, and it's the only one to explain how I feel.

It wasn't due to a boy or a death, which most would associate heartbreak with. I think the most powerful, helpless form of heartbreak has to be the inevitable goodbye. It sucks. And Friday night, at the stroke of 12:00, Taryn and I had to see off our dear friend Emily, as she left California a law school graduate and entered her real life in Texas.

I guess we should have expected this. I mean, we both knew she was coming out for law school. Inside, though, I always thought she'd stay and do her law thing here. But with a great job and family (including a year-old niece and another babe on the way), LA is a hard sell. I mean, Texas is home for all of us, and there's been plenty of times that myself and Taryn (I'm sure) have thought, for a second, about the luxury of living back in The Great State.

I hate goodbyes. I feel like the last few years have been full of them. 

2008: Saying goodbye to the Chain Gang -- my dearest, closest friends from college 
2009: Leaving Texas, my family, friends (and boyfriend at the time) for Los Angeles
2010: Ending a relationship
2011: Watching my brother say goodbye to high school, and thus watching him leave behind his childhood

Which leads us here. What's bizarre is that all of these events have happened the same time EVERY year!

I've known Emily since 4th grade. She and my friend Bailey (who, ironically, lives out in Los Angeles now too) gave me my first nickname, Kirbs, at a bowling alley. We stuck together through middle school and stood by one another during all of the ridiculous high school drama, including boyfriends cheating on us, sorting through lies regarding "he said/she said," and watching a friend go through anorexia, something I think both of us will never, ever forget.

We shared having a close-knit family and a strong faith; she came to my Grease themed movie-watching party where we witnessed an entire back row of high school students making out with one another. We attended Disciple Now together almost every year, were on every council high school had to offer, and took most (if not all) of the same classes. I have about 100 notes in a scrapbook circa 6th–9th grade that we'd write each other during class and pass off in the hall. We'd play MASH, ask about who was dating who, and make signs for one another to put in our binders. During our obsession with Coyote Ugly, she made a sign indicating herself (eerily) as "The Law" and myself? "The Dreamer." (I have a sick, photographic memory.)

She was there for me when my aunt was murdered. She brought me a Frappacino when my first serious boyfriend broke up with me and my parents were on a vacation. We spent Fridays at football games together and summers at the lake. She's seen me at my worst (bad breakups, acting like a snotty bitch at the birthday party she helped plan, and my reenactment of the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial where I was, yes, Britney), but also at my absolute best.

Then we parted ways during college. We stayed in touch, but that's where she met Taryn, and it all came full circle when the three of us made the move to LA. 

I never thought I'd have to say goodbye like that again, especially to the same person. I remember before we all left for college, the group of six met in the parking lot at Berry Creek Country Club and chatted for awhile before the impending doom was set upon us: we had to say goodbye. The whole time I was trying to keep my composure, but I felt so sick about it that I could barely even speak. And when we did say goodbye, there were tears. A lot. Like those really terrible sobs in the car on the way home.

And then we were off.

One thing I'm so thankful for is having Emily out here the same time I made the move. The transition was difficult, but she made it easier. She introduced me to Taryn, who is one of my closest friends here, and someone who (in a short time) I feel is a confidant and truly care about. I'm thankful for that because you always hear about the competitiveness between new besties and old besties, and all three of us we our own little clan together, each uniquely connected to the other. 

Em also made sure to invite me out with her classmates when they'd have parties, which expanded my network of friends, something I'm also thankful for. I remember when I came back from Christmas vacation, I wanted to make sure we spent as many weekends together as possible because she'd be graduating soon. 

And then "soon" turned into "six weeks!" and that turned into "10 days!!!" Two Fridays ago, she drove me to LAX and we grabbed In 'N Out, and, she doesn't know this, but I cried in the airport after she dropped me off, because I knew that was probably the last time that would ever happen here.

I am going to miss my friend. I will miss not being able to swing by her apartment after work to grab a drink, or get ramen, or a snow-cone. (My favorite!) I'll miss the events, like horse racing and the Marine Corps Ball and Bar Reviews she'd like me tag along to. And I'll miss getting to vent to her regularly and disclosing what kind of debauchery I got myself into the night before. But I know I will get through it; I've done this more times than I've ever wanted or considered having to do. 

Why does growing up suck sometimes? It's pretty crappy. True friends might not see each other all the time, and they may not even talk on the phone very much, but when they're back together, it's like no time had passed at all. Yes, that's so unoriginal and it's been said plenty of times before, but I know that's how it will be with Emily, much like it is with my other close friends. But it still doesn't make it hurt less.

Em, I'm proud of you! I've said it a thousand times, but I'm going to miss you and don't want you to go... but you're already gone so I might as well shut the hell up. :) Love you. (Cue adorable yet horrifying photo collage... now.)


Jessica Who? said...

is it ridiculous that this made me cry? made me think of my girlfriends who i miss SO much!
i'm a texas girl too! and currently live in hawaii. the hardest part has been being so far from fam & friends!
wish u the best of luck, girl! i feel your pain!

jewels jung said...

Dang!! I'm crying like a baby.....what a sweet post and beautiful (but hilarious) photo collage. Thanks Kirbs for being there for Em. I know she already misses you and Taryn terribly.

Now you two get on back to Texas where you belong!!! JJ Powered by Blogger.
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