Jun 12, 2012

Bachelorette 6.11.2012 -- Going 'backwoods, hoodrat' on his ass

I say this ALL THE TIME but I'm not a fan of The Bachelor/ette... but I'm finding myself rushing to the gym and leaving Zumba class early (sacrificing my fitness!) to watch Emily's season. 

Southern ladies tend to get a bad rap -- we're polite, we try to make everyone comfortable, and don't like to be rude, which can come off as being unable to fend for ourselves and sometimes even unintelligent. You don't say!

But when something pisses us off... watch the hell out. Whether it's Emily going off about her daughter or I'm giving some dude a wedgie in a Downtown Austin bar, we make sure our voice is heard.

So let me recap what all went down last night on the show. Emily's season got off to a slow start because she has Ricki, her five-year-old, and she wanted to make sure everyone was there for the right reasons. I totally respect that. Many people complain that the fantasy aspect isn't there -- "This season isn't what the show is all about!" But this is pretty much the most realistic season of the show. They relocated to Charlotte so Emily could still be a mom, and instead of going on crazy dates at The Bellagio, they started off baking cookies and going to soccer practice. I think that's a solid weed-out approach.

Anyway, now we're traveling. They've been to the Bahamas and now they're in London. Emily had her first one-on-one with (drop-dead-sexy,  I will quit my job and move to Texas for this man)(probably not) Sean. Sean is the strapping blonde dude, real tall, was a linebacker at Kansas State (previously he went to A&M -- a flaw I'll disregard at this point) and now sells insurance in Dallas. ALL WHILE BEING A FITNESS MODEL. Let me grace you with this beautiful photo of his rock hard abs. Come to mama.


I love a man in flannel
So Emily realizes with the rest of her viewers that Sean is not only handsome but confident, which is the ultimate sexy factor. He gets a rose at the end of the date.

Then some other date goes down (I think? I was in the shower) and meanwhile all the guys are talking back at their hotel when Kalon, the epic asshat who, a) showed up late, in a helicopter, on the first night and b) is basically the poor man's Scott Disick -- however not as funny and hasn't shown signs of a drinking problem, starts mentioning (frequently) that Ricki is "baggage." Not the best word or sentiment to have when you're planning on trying to win the heart of a MOM.

Doug, a dad himself, catches wind of this from Arie and Ryan and tells Emily. Speaking of Ryan, my friend Dana made a valid point during our group text. Yeah, we don't watch the show together... we all chat about it afterward on our phones. Welcome to 2012. Anyway, she mentioned that Ryan's neck looks like a honeybaked ham. Ryan is attractive, but he's also so arrogant that I have no qualms stating that. It's true. Now I will never NOT see a ham sitting between his head and his shoulders.

Emily has been mostly reserved up until this point. At first, you think she'll do the typical Emily thing: maybe cry, probably "see the best in him" and decide if it's something he "really said," and ask him politely to leave. Instead, she does the following:
  •  Talks about how to handle this in a lady-like way; then mentions that she wants to remove all his limbs and beat him with them
  • In her confessional, says she's about to go "Backwoods, West Virginia, Hoot Rat on his ass"
  • Handles herself with grace while still belittling him and making him appear like an idiot -- using one of his lines from earlier in the season: "I'd love for you to talk but I want you to wait until I'm done -- I got that line from you." (His was actually "I love it when you talk but I'd you to wait until I'm finished.)
  • Says something about getting "the f*ck out"
I'd say Emily has done an exceptional job of being loveable and strong, and portraying herself as someone who's beautiful, headstrong and doesn't take any bullshit.

Obviously at this point she's livid because this chode of a human has degraded her five-year-old daughter, who, by the way, will probably see that at some point, which probably hurts Emily the most. So she takes the night off, but not without telling all the guys how disappointed she is that none of them came forward with that information when they heard it.

The next day, she goes on a date with Jef. (Yes, one F.) Cliffnotes on his life: he's Mormon and owns some kind of water nonprofit something, so basically he's the Salt of the Earth. They go to tea, and Jef is irritated that an extra person is taking up their "alone" time -- the extra person being a Julie Andrews type regarding etiquette. Emily candidly mentions during her confessional: "I thought it would be fun, but now I'm ready to get the hell out of here." I like that her southern roots are coming out.

Gem from Jef's date: 
"I want someone to share the details with and someone to come home to. Someone who has my back." Don't we all Jef? DON'T WE ALL?
Also, I have to mention she's kissed Sean and Jef (possibly Arie -- again, I was in the shower) and SHE'S SICK. I hope all of those guys are getting B-12 shots out the wazoo.

Alright. That's pretty much the meat of the whole episode. Alejandro (yeah, I didn't remember him either) gets eliminated since Kalon was kicked off. Next week I'm pretty sure Ryan is the dude who sees Emily as the "prize to be won." So he's probably getting the boot in Croatia.

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